Part 26. Emotionally available

This week I’ve done two days of trauma informed diploma practitioner training. I have had mixed excitement and trepidation. I know it’s looking at ACE (adverse childhood experience) score, and mines pretty high. I have already done some training in this field previously so I’m prepared for what it may throw at me. I feel this last couple of weeks I’ve been in a stronger place than I was a couple of weeks previously, and I am linking that in to hormones too. Have a look if you’ve never seen it before

The theory is, if we’ve had a good enough experience just part of the time growing up, we can make positive choices rather than all negative. As long as we have had an emotionally available adult at some point then this will make all the difference. My nan was my emotionally available adult growing up. As she was available to me, it probably made a difference about some of the paths I took. I have had a think about marriage breakdown and paths I took after that and life experiences. Particularly with some of the risky dates I was having. At the time I felt people weren’t always getting it, however what if they were my emotionally available adult and just wanted the best for me (they did of course!). However at the time I was probably in self-destruct vs seeking care and comfort.

The Key Adult – Making a difference

I know I’ve been vulnerable on dating sites and effectively made it far too easy for my self worth to be messed with by the men I’ve chatted to. I know these posts can be a contradiction in terms at times given some of the experiences I’ve had and choices I have made. Six years ago I was in a pool out of my depth, and then at times I was constantly treading water. To be honest, now I feel like I’m floating. Yes the dates may not be great at times, and maybe I’m not following the gut instinct I speak of at times. However if I do have a date and it’s crap I’m much more ready to call it out sooner than later now. I’m better at this via messaging too. If we don’t converse regularly now then it probably isn’t going to go anywhere. If we’re chatting regularly, getting along, understanding each others humour via text and vice note, then surely there’s a chance?

I think my hormones have been playing a part in when I’ve been feeling the despair that I often have done. I have to say I don’t feel broken after these dates that have gone nowhere, complete opposite. I feel relieved. However there have been times where after it has gone nowhere I have felt beyond sad. Those are probably the people that I feel there was a level of connection, spark, whatever you want to call it. The ones that have not felt right have been take it or leave it. My friend S told another friend C, that I was an expert at dating. I laughed and said it felt the complete opposite. At times I feel like I am a dating disaster, but what if I am actually becoming an expert in really finding out who I am, what I want along the way rather than settling like I have done before? The longer I spend time exploring who I am, the more I like the person. This is news to me, having been self critical so often. Even when I look in the mirror and I’m not 100% about what is looking back at me, instead of doing what I usually did and berate myself, I now find something I’m happy with and sow that seed in my mind and I go out feeling happier as a result. And that my lovelies is growth!


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