When plans changed last year and living situation changed with the kids I spoke to them about my worry of going from having 50/50 shared access, to them sleeping at mine 12/14 nights. For 7 years we’d done 50/50 with our own space. My time to me with no questions asked from kids if I’m not about, as they weren’t with me. At the time it was changing I did say, what if I start dating. This week my middle child, basically told me that equated to me putting myself first and wanting to bring random men home above them. I was dumbstruck that my words had been twisted and made into something they weren’t. I was concerned that if I went from not having the shared access like we had, that our lives would overlap in a way that wasn’t constructive for any of us, particularly as me and middle one do clash. I did have in back of my mind that in past I’ve had freedom to have a guy back should I wish for a cuppa… Or whatever I wanted, but obviously with pandemic and dating being as it is that’s not been something I’ve actively done. I’ve wondered if I really was me me me, or whether me trying to say how I feel to my kids and share parts of what I was concerned about was then used as ammunition by their dad.
We’re all a bit self centered, a bit me me me at times aren’t we. I’m wondering at the moment about life, relationships, friendships if there have been too many times that I have been me me me, but then completely the opposite with very little in the middle. I suppose I’ve been pondering things as life again has thrown up more stuff and is about to change again!
Unless you’ve spent many days and nights alone and adjusted to that pattern I’m not sure how I can make anyone understand. And in retrospect maybe I should never have said anything about my concerns and merely just accepted what was happening. However in the last few years I’ve worked at trying to accept my alone time. During the lockdown’s having to accept that there were many days and nights of complete aloneness. How do you explain that and the feeling that arise from it to people who don’t have that… And my kids don’t have that!
I thought finally standing up for myself and actually trying out some healthy selfishness would mean things would come right, however actually maybe doing that in the long term was the worst thing I can do, as now my reality will be that I’m going to have a 50/50 relationship with my son being here, but my girls have decided they’ll live with their dad full time.
I’m scared, sad, in turmoil I guess, financially really uncertain, as my child benefit etc stops and I guess I’ve become dependent on that to pay for things we need, including paying the mortgage. However the biggest thing is, I’m heartbroken. I don’t think I’ve felt a pain like finding out they’re not wanting to live with me. It’s beyond anything I’ve ever felt and I’m not sure how anything will get back on track. It’s not even like the pain of a relationship deteriorating.
On the flip side I wonder if us not seeing each other so much will build our relationship? I can only hope for that? I’ve been fed up of being taken advantage of, bullied, name called and used. These last six months I’ve been treated way beyond the way a mum or an ex partner should be treated. Retrospect is a funny thing ..I wonder what the future holds though!