Part 38. Lockdown=Groundhog day

Well it’s been a little while since I last wrote a blog. I’ve not had the time or inclination really. Works beyond busy. Those who were under the illusion that lockdown 3 enforced school staff into doing nothing and extending their holiday’s were mistaken. So I’ve had focus and drive in lots of ways. No time to ponder more than usual about being single.

I really backed off from the sites. My match subscription ends on 21st February. Six months with no normality has affected the dating, however on top it’s a pretty pants pool! Trying to keep conversation’s alive when some people are not really into walking mean that they just drift off, as there’s no hope to meet up. The fetish men have appeared in force over last few months too. The ones who keep pursuing sex talk on top. I know we’re enclosed and if single, abiding by rules, then totally not getting any, however I don’t need a conversation to just turn to that within about three texts!

I’m definitely in a position of very little tolerance. As you know, I’m tactile. I need touch and intimacy but I really don’t want to fall into the rabbit hole. I think that if I really do start to date properly, when it’s allowed again, I’m maybe going to come across quite negatively? I’m not saying rule out a flirt with an innuendo…but basically if you’re asking to wank over my pictures, I’m a bit like, errrrr, why ask? Do it if you’re going to, I can’t stop you, however I don’t think I really want to know unless we’re dating! Am I wrong in thinking this? Fantasise if you’re chatting me up, but don’t tell me!

After the build up to Christmas, new year etc and being alone, I think I’ve definitely tried to look from the perspective that I’ve done it again. I can’t be sure I won’t be alone again at times and I’ve got to accept that. If you think you’re going to go through life not accepting things like being single and then you do end up for a prolonged period then that’s what makes it harder. Through Summer I was like oooh maybe this Christmas it will be with someone and ultimately that’s what made me so sad when I wasn’t as I was so let down. It wasn’t even the actual being on my own part that hurt. It was the knowing I’d sold myself an image of what life should look like. Trying to knock down perception of what normal looks like isn’t something I can be bothered with. My normal is not someone else’s. Me being alone every other weekend is something I’ve done for many years, and even when I was dating I spent many of these weekends alone. My journey of discovery, acceptance and trying to keep positive will ultimately be how my path continues.

Ooooh … And I nearly forgot I got an actual proper apology in the end from W… “Never meant to hurt you”, so on from his admitting he was seeing someone and apology mean’s the friendship is just about intact. I’d love to say for a fact that there will be no revisiting old ground as ultimately he’s a cheating prick, but I can’t deny when I see him online, my heart thumps despite his abysmal behaviour. What I can say for a fact is that in the place where I am right now, it’s not being revisited!

So lovely people who read this… Don’t know who you all are, but as always I appreciate you! Roll on brighter days!

And like I always say… Still smiling 😍

Part 37. Priority 1….is me!

I have read so many tweets recently about putting yourself first. Prioritising, attuning. There are so many of us that when we’re looking at dating, prioritise that over the rest of our lives. It becomes a way of entertainment. Filling a void. Even more so during lockdown’s where there is little to do apart from scroll the internet and if you’re a dater then the apps for sure form a part of that, (or maybe that’s just me). After the last guy I chatted to, I had no oomph to even attempt to chat with anyone else…1. what’s the point, we’re in a pandemic and 2. Easier to not be chatting to several people. 3… Seriously what’s the point?

I know lockdown 1 was a success for many people when they were dating, bubbling up etc. I almost feel I’ve had FOMO from not bubbling, as it seems to be what you hear from all of these single people or people who don’t live with any adult. However I’m not sure that actually everyone has done that. I have had a bubble void before you could even choose it as an option. Not like I have been particularly successful in dating and relationships since my marriage ended. In fact 7 years ago today, I took over the mortgage on this house myself, dated in-between…. Yet am ultimately in same position I was back then. Single… The difference is that I really have gone through times of making myself a priority and other times letting myself become just a being. Throughout my little rollercoaster and FOMO I guess I’m realising there’s more to settling, more to making friendships be the sustenance of your life, more to finding the real me. I’ve become a much more forthright, confident being at times. Calling out Bullshit… Not always as timely as I’d have liked! Hey none the less, learning.

I always treat 10th January as my new year. I think taking over this house alone, making it mine and the kids, redecorating, new kitchen and bathroom, plans for further upgrades are all so positive. I was on the floor with my wellbeing during my marriage split and was so negative. I was in the I can’t do it camp. I have no idea when that actually changed to a point of I can do, and will do… But at some point it must have changed as here I am doing it, and not only doing it and bring trades to come and do stuff. I’ve learnt how to do stuff myself. Reflection has meant that I’ve realised that when I prioritise myself, boost my learning, invest in myself… That there is no better feeling. So here’s to continuing making me a priority, and becoming my best version of myself.

And always…. Smile!

Part 36. Dating normality

Christmas and New Year, (as uneventful as I expected given that we weren’t allowed to do anything) has found me watching Sex and the City. I never watched it first time round. Not sure why, just wasn’t something I got into. It came up as an option to watch so I thought hey why not. I am actually really shocked that dating didn’t appear to have changed massively since the late 90s. In fact much of the storyline has been relevant to me and my experiences of dating over the last few years. I was newly single at 35 after being in a relationship with my ex husband from age 18. I didn’t experience the game playing from men before this, as I didn’t really date. My ex husband was my first proper relationship and vice versa.

Getting into dating has been such an experience. I didn’t think there would be so many parallels to a series that was written late 90s onwards. However, here I am. I thought we’d evolved such a lot but I wonder if actually the same kind of trials and tribulations happen as before but we just know about them because of TV, media etc? One thing I have found is my absolute hatred for Big. I think it’s resonated with me such a lot as he shows characteristics of a couple of people I’ve come across in my dating life and it’s made me wish I’d realised sooner!

I did a bumble swipe session weekend before Christmas, then paused it after I had two dates with a guy who then inadvertently sent me a pic of another woman but then denied it was from his what’s app and then blanked me? I logged onto match to find a few messages over Christmas, two pretty much identical in the respect of saying how was Christmas… How do you answer that when you were alone and had leftover Chinese for Christmas dinner? Have chatted with one guy and not logged back on to match since swapping no’s with him and hoping that he comes to something more than just another person in my phone!? However this pandemic seems to be ruining any chance of anything developing beyond someone being in my phone.

I know the first lockdown appeared to be a real positive for so many people who met online and managed to walk and connect in a time where this was a bit of a novelty, the weather was brighter and it seemed like there was an end in sight to life going back to normal. Now it feels like normal life and connecting with a potential mate may not ever go back to before? So surely the dating game and connections need to develop beyond the parallels that were there 20+years ago? I guess time will tell. The beauty of apps and technology has meant that you can video chat much easier and without even swapping no’s. Unfortunately what it hasn’t developed is the way to replicate touch, and that’s a major thing I’m missing. I take my hat off to anyone who has not had a hug in months as I’m struggling without any if I’m honest. My kids are beyond that and if I do get a tiny hug I am thankful yet it’s not the same as finding that with a partner.

My ship most definitely has sailed with W. It’s borderline whether the friendship will completely get back on track, but I’ve accepted that the here and now means there’s not going to be an us. If I’m honest I’d have loved it to work, knowing how much I’d always fancied him, however he’s going to always be like Mr Big and just be in and out at his pace… And I don’t want or need that. I deserve much more. I’d rather still keep being single than be with the wrong person. The loneliness will always come and go whether you’re with a partner or not!

Part 35. It’ll be lovely this Christmas, without bullshit from a bloke!

Ok. So many weeks have since passed from last blog and another weekend of being let down. Another weekend of lies! I didn’t manage to call W out much more than I’d already done as he chose to barely speak to me after that weekend of him not keeping to his plans like he’s said. I actually wonder if he really did have his son there. And the reason I wonder this is because he’s admitted he was still ‘speaking’ to another woman. When he says speaking, I think that probably means his penis was often frequenting her bits and pieces! I noticed this when a name that kept coming up, and then appeared commenting on his insta …

Errr… Yeah!

Honestly… And then last week he was still being beyond vague but calls me Friday to say he might get the train up over the weekend (err really, I don’t think so)…..but then proceeded to ignore me and some texts I’ve sent…err get in the bin. Sadly he’s now just ruined a friendship! And given that, I don’t think I’ll be making any conscious effort to connect. In fact it’s made me find him somewhat unattractive now.

I did what I thought best a few weeks ago and had bumble in the background. Match still there but not even attempting to use it as I’ve had so little interaction it’s unreal. Matched with a guy, had two walks and dinner for him to inadvertently send me a photo of another woman with a message underneath

Oh do you… Well if you love her wry grin, you can fuck off from my what’s app 🤣😂

The thing that bothers me about this absolute knob jockey is that he proceeded to tell me it wasn’t him and that it wasn’t on his what’s app (err we know how to delete messages mate!). I’m savvy enough to know there’s no way you can cross messages into what’s app , so he’s defo sent them to me in error thinking he was replying to her…TWAT. I called him out, funny enough he hasn’t replied?! Says it all doesn’t it.

I know so many other single people have struggled throughout the pandemic with dating. However I know most have us with struggled with normal life without saying woes added into the mix. I think I’d made peace with the thought of time alone at Christmas a while back, although I was still wobbling about it. Given the news this last week and restrictions, I find myself oddly ok about being home alone… Probably better than most people as I’d already known that was the way it was. I’m lucky to have an amazing friend who through us being thick and thin have found a new found beauty in our friendship this year. I’ve spent several of my single years with her, her girls & her parents and this year I’ll be popping past for brekkie within the bubble system, mask, distance, outside, whatever is necessary! So whilst initially I fretted about my singleness, and being lonely… I’ve turned it around and said, it’ll be lovely this Christmas, with the people that mean the most to me, whether that be online, via twitter, text, what’s app….but the people who’ve seen me through the year are the ones I’ll end up with and that’s all that matters really isn’t it!

Merry Crimbo my lovelies and thanks for reading!

Part 34. Damaged goods

Sometimes you go shopping and there’s a dent in the tin you’ve picked up, you get to the till and they say it’s dented do you still want it, and you say, oooh no thanks, I don’t know what it will be like inside. That’s a bit like life isn’t it? We don’t want damaged goods, we want shiny, sparkling, and new, with a great warranty. I’m a bit like the dented tin that keeps getting placed back on the shelf. No one really wants it, but from time to time you’re picked up, you get to the till and then your told nah I don’t want you after all. Only thing every time you’re returned to the shelf another little dent appears, until comes a time that you’re placed on the reduced shelf. If you’re lucky someone may think you’re the bargain they were after. If you’re really unlucky you just end up sitting watching all the other tins and bargains disappear around you.

For a long while I’ve known I’m a dented individual. The difference between me and a dented tin though is that I can rub out some of the dents. At other times I feel I get more dents than your average dented tin! I’ve worked tirelessly at self growth over a number of years, but particularly in the last year or two. I’ve realised what can dent me, and I’ve started to realise what parts of the past have affected me so profoundly. I’ve started sticking up for myself much more than ever before, and generally from a constructive place. I know that for me, lack of communication is huge. However I’m starting to understand that sometimes I lack the confidence to say something because it may hurt someone, have an impact on our relationship or might ruin it completely. I’m very good at using “I statement” with my kids, however I’m probably not so good at doing that with people in a professional or non-family set up. When Mr Gold medal (part 25 and earlier) was about, the times he came to mine covered in other women’s makeup, wouldn’t come to mine when he said he would, wouldn’t reply to texts. I let him off lightly, I’d say something but not the whole of what I was feeling. So when he asked me for the afternoon of fun back in September and I told him in no uncertain terms that would never happen again, I thought it may just click. I’ve not heard from him since then, until last night when he appeared and disappeared (after I called him out). However he probably doesn’t even realise why I’m hurt by him. So sometimes, as much as I try to communicate, it either isn’t as significant to the other person and therefore doesn’t have the same meaning, or some people just don’t actually get it? See below

Now in his case, I believe he is clueless as I think he’s a narcissistic old arse! In other cases it’s definitely because I can’t properly say what I want to. The last two blogs have referred to W. Last blog I was very uncertain about what to do, I felt hurt and let down that he wasn’t being true to his word. I know it probably sounds like all I do is fall for people if you’ve read my blogs (I’m an affectionate person) but W is just the one that has undoubtedly made my heart light when I’ve seen him and desire etc etc. So, obviously I did what I do, and I joined a bubble with him. And when I saw him, it was like it was only weeks ago that we’d last been face to face rather than years. I know there’s parts I don’t like about him, same he will no doubt have with me. Yet, he makes me come alive, we laugh, are silly, always drink too much when I’m with him which is not a good trait, but I absolutely fancy the arse off him still. He makes me nervous that I fancy him that much and that he appears to feel the same. I’ve never understood that from a man and that’s to my detriment! Deep down I know I’m attractive, I think I’ve referred to that previously, but I don’t want it to come across as modest 🙈. Anyhow , I digress. When he laid it on table that he’d like to give it a go with me, I asked him why he’d never told me before. Between us we’d both made assumptions of the other, and what was going on, state of relationship etc. He’s admitted he was jealous of the guy I dated a while back (and therefore why we didn’t catch up). I didn’t admit I was always beyond jealous when I saw him on the arm of someone. We’ve caught up again since. He again lit me up just by being with him. He was supposed to be here with me this weekend but his son made plans to see him and when he told me I kinda shrugged and went oh! What I felt and what I said we’re two very different things. Inside I was so sad, let down and hurt. Yet I didn’t really convey that in my words.

Last night we conversed a bit. I wanted to find out what he’s said to his son and ex about keeping to his time, yet I didn’t ask him. Instead I guessed what was going on. Today he told me he’s out and that made me make assumptions and again miscommunicate. As a result I’m feeling hurt, cross for making assumptions, but stupid for not communicating. Ultimately if we can’t communicate …I’d feel there’s little hope for us?! But like I’ve said, there’s something with us.

The blog tonight came from a place where initially I had an element of rage from within. When I calmed and was rational and started writing, it’s come very much from a different part of my brain. Tomorrow I think it’s time for me to grab the bull by the horns and talk. I need to say what I’m thinking and not assume he knows, and I need to convey that he does the same to me. I know there are many odds stacked against us, but maybe there are just as many for us? Also since we’ve properly been chatting more regularly, I’ve not perused a dating site. Still signed up to match for two more months, so still have that but I haven’t logged on there…. This is huge for me! Especially as I like to get the most out of subscription’s. Fresh start …

Part 33. Gaslighting?

My last ramblings, were from a before and just after being let down by someone who had asked why we have never given it a real go. Given that, and emotionally being so excited at the thought of someone I utterly fancy being interested, I’ve ended up being in the emotions that come when things don’t work out as planned. I’m sure some of you must read these blogs and think for fucks sake just ditch the bloody dating. And I’ll be honest I’m not 100% committed to it. However this was very much from someone I’ve know for many years and am still in regular contact with rather than summertime I’m chatting with on a dating site. I have not put my all into it for some time as it’s always been twatty men who seem to speak to me and I’m already ready to flip my lid with regards to their negativity or letting me down when my thoughts are if they actually do want to date me, they will be putting their all into getting to know me! Given this, and I think me being more aware of gaslighting type of behaviours now, I’m so much more likely to call it out. I don’t think some men expect that. I’m lonely, however I’m not desperate and my strength of character and where I’m at in my life means that although sometimes I’m making poor choices with the connections I’ve initially made. I’m realising much more promptly if these are positive or negative, block and delete and move along.

Life is definitely a learning curve.

W kinda speaking in the way he did the other weekend, lit my heart up in such a way, that I felt absolutely awesome and a bit like I was on cloud nine for a few days. And I’ll be completely honest, that feeling was insane for a few hours  I felt butterflies and emotions that I haven’t felt from a guy in a really long time. Especially from someone that I’ve already had a connection that makes you feel alive when you’re with them. However very soon after being let down when he couldn’t come to see me, my rational thought started creeping in. This time I don’t think it was anything more than my gut instinct saying, woah, slow down. Don’t get swept away here. I’ve allowed myself to be more pragmatic. I’ve had my tuppance worth in the bitty conversations that I’ve had back with him. I’ve become undecided in how I want to proceed. And after chats with one of my closest friends, I gone full circle of feelings, and between us I think we know that being on the end of something like this can be short lived. The euphoria of someone telling you how amazing you are Vs the reality of them not following through on their words is such a rollercoaster. Given that W and I are still in touch after all this time is testimony of our character, however in the cold light of day, not trying conventional dating before probably in my heart of hearts is because I know it’s a one way relationship. Now given my optimism initially, his calls and messages have been a little sporadic. And then there was 36 hours where he just disappeared , didn’t reply, hung up mid call and didn’t follow up with that. And now in my rational brain I’m questioning the gaslighting type of behaviour that I’m pretty certain he’s now displaying. I’ve spoken before about ghosting, being ignored and what not and they’re awful, they make you wonder what you’ve done, when generally you haven’t done anything at all, but gaslighting is a whole new level. Maybe the term gaslighting isn’t hugely relevant here given we’re not in a relationship, however the definition is to manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity. And this is what I have done.

It’s hard to reveal the context of exactly what has gone on and why I’m now suggesting it could be gaslighting without going into the why’s and what for’s. However given me sitting and writing that I’ve questioned myself once again, either seems to suggest that I’m a deeply disturbed, paranoid individual or that his ignoring, and vagueness suggests maybe he’s the one at fault. (And I know we sometimes forget to respond to messages, were all human… You don’t forget you were mid conversation and don’t return to that, hang up and then not respond to texts though?!) Whichever it is, I’m yet again not prepared to put up with flakiness and ignorance. I’ve already put up with that far too many times in my adult life. No one deserves to be treated in this way.

No matter what though…..I’m still smiling!

Part 32. Arms length (a before and after blog).

I’m pretty sure I’ve not spoken about W on here before. W is someone I met through online dating back in 2014. W is someone who I speak and what’s app regularly however W is someone I’ve kept at arms length for some time. In fact I’ve not seen him in the flesh for over three years, yet he’s someone that I message, think about, chat shit with, banter with and often wonder with such fondness about the times that we have spent together. He’s the one I’ve had the most disastrous and funny times together, and the one that still sets my heart on fire when I see him in pics and on video chat He’s the one that all my friends know about, he’s the one that some of my friends say wow, I can’t believe you still chat, and wonder aloud about. W is one my kids know about, and I still refer to him as my friend. W is someone I absolutely have the hots for. He’s an amazing dad, funny, sarcastic, driven, sexy, just an overall one of those people that you think I wish we were together. W is 90 mins away and always busy. W is someone I’ve chatted with many a time at why we still chat, why we are still drawn together, and yet W is someone I’ve held at arms length so much. I got into a relationship after I last saw him so between us both dating we then weren’t single at the same time and I was absolutely convinced that he only every wants to see me for ‘fun’.

W called me on Sunday and asked me why I hold him at arms length. Why we haven’t ever really given it a go. Why I’m so quick to shut down the possibility of us. Why I’m so quick to think that he only wants fun with me and nothing more. Why do we still keep in touch and look out for each other. W has asked me if we can give it a go and just see what happens. W has just absolutely blown my mind. I said you’ve never said this to me before though. I’ve wrongly assumed for a really long time that I was just someone to fill up some time and that yet again I was putting barriers up with. Ultimately W is the man I’ve wanted and desired in my life for so long, yet resisted pretty much because of the distance and the thought that I might not actually get to see him very often. All the while I’ve continued to go on shitty dates, as has he. And all the time I’ve still wondered and chatted about W with my mates and hoped that there may be some possibilities of this working in some capacity. To be fair W often speaks like I know what he’s thinking… And I keep having to remind him that I can’t read minds and he has to tell me exactly what he means. So given the revelation this weekend, I’m now the proud owner of my heart swelling in size with the fact that he’s been so honest.

So, right now we’re both bubble free. So we can choose each other. And he’s put it on the table that he wants to come and see me this week on one of my free Eve’s. I’m trying to suppress the excitement and apart one of my closest friends and another on twitter I’ve not mentioned this to another living soul. The reason is that down inside I’m terrified. Scared of him bailing, scared of being let down, and I just don’t want that to happen with him. I’m shitting myself that I could fall in love with him and be broken if it didn’t work and that we could lose the amazing thing that we have got between us. Yet if I keep getting like this, then there never going to be hope for anyone really is there? I’ve got to at least give it a try ?

So amongst my frustration of him not being so open and honest before, I’ve been filled with the most amazing feeling by the things that he has told me.. And do you know what, for once I genuinely believe it’s not a ploy just to get me into bed… Cos we’ve been there so many times! He told me that sometimes when he sees a picture of me, he just looks at me and can’t see why I’m single, as I’m so sexy, that he likes the person that I am, what I’m about….even when I’m thinking I look shit he likes these pics. He sent me one of my pics back and just was like “I love this picture of you” I go to my automatic reaction of as if. And when we spoke the other night, he said you just don’t get it, I think you’re so hot, even when you don’t see it.

I’m writing this, knowing I’m not actually going to publish it quite yet. Thinking that I’m probably either going to publish it after we’ve met or publish after he’s let me down.

I wonder which one it will turn out to be, but genuinely I hope it’s the first one. 🤞

………………………………………………………………………And it went like

And this is why I try not to let things excite me, as then I can’t feel let down! (But I’m gutted). I haven’t seen him for so long and the thought of seeing him in the flesh was so exciting. Remembering the times we’ve spent together, and the way he’s made me feel in the past.

I have to take this as being genuine, and yet again have to think this is why I wanted to meet someone so much closer as things like this would mean you could snatch some time together even when this like this happened. Being 90 mins away rules out impromptu get togethers. I have to think of it in the respect that I’ve waited this long to see him again, however given his outpouring of let’s give it a go chat over the weekend, I can’t help and just wonder if this is a sign?

It’s hard to keep upbeat normally when you’re trying to find someone to have in your life, let alone this year during this pandemic. I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that I’m pretty awesome as a person and that being alone isn’t awful.

Part 31. Lockdown: The Saga

This week has been intense. WFH training Thu and Fri so it means I haven’t seen an adult in real life since Wednesday as the kids are with their dad until Monday. The course content is deep, and reflective. The videos involved, show children and adults dealing with their own issues, past trauma and this can make me feel very overwhelmed. Thursday was spent with my colleagues crying via zoom.

This time I knew I was going to be alone after the two days training, so this time I made sure I got out for the quickest walk during my break. And really thought about the five ways to well-being.

And when the skies are this blue…rude not to get out huh!

Lockdown last time was a little different, in the respect that I only got into school one day per week on a rota. This time I’ll be in for my usual four days, with the exception of training. So I feel blessed. I get to see large groups of parents, children and colleagues on these days and this means I feel life hasn’t changed hugely. I’m still in the 50/50 pattern with my ex husband sharing our kids. So in theory if lockdown does only follow the four weeks as proposed by our shitshow of our government then it’s not many weekends home alone. Fingers crossed. I’m not worrying per se, however I know the reality of not having anyone in my bubble makes things though at times. And I constantly go back to that feeling of absolute loneliness that is shared with so many others. That craving for physical contact when you haven’t got it seems to explode for me. That want and desire to have someone is heightened. However that flip side of the constant being let down, rejection, ghosting, not saying what you mean is another thought process of thinking, suck up the alone time. I feel better off from dickheads taking the piss.

Connecting with like minded people isn’t particularly easy. I’m a bit of a sarcastic character, humorous, potty mouthed but with a bit of a brain. Some men can’t handle that, and sometimes think that the sexiness they see, the cheeky smile etc means that I have absolutely no desire to connect on an emotional level… And that couldn’t be further from the truth. I need an all rounder but emotional intelligence is a huge part of the appeal. Just going down the sex chat route again is just so boring. A man who can chat to me without that has my attention so much more than a man who just wants to banter, sext, or tell me how gorgeous I am. Pay me a compliment, sure but then don’t make it seedy by saying look how horny you’ve made me (Yes, men of twitter, I mean you!).

Sometimes when I start writing and offload some of the stories, I think to myself surely no one will believe me. Some of the experiences I’ve come across, you just couldn’t make up. Honestly! I waa tindering the other week and made a match, chatted, calls, the usual. I specifically made a point of saying I want to date, not in a rush to find anyone etc etc etc . Arrange a date, he bailed last minute saying he’s left his bank card in his truck, can’t get it etc etc… Yawn yawn yawn, give him another chance, have a brief face to face, chat, got on to a degree, he didn’t understand lots of what I said, and didn’t listen to certain things, but then he started pushing it with the sexy chat. He also started being hit and miss with the chats, calls and me being me called him out, and funnily enough he didn’t like that……I am getting so much better at calling out the BS. At the back of my mind, I had realised I was trying to see if I could mould him into a bubble partner despite him being pretty unsuitable. And him not meeting my level of emotional intelligence was something that made him a turn off. I wasn’t remotely excited that he could be someone who could join me and that just said it all.

The date I had a couple of weeks ago, for a cream tea was pretty great, but I felt totally friendzoned by him. He’s busy, and messaged last night to say so, but also apologise. I think I need to ask him directly of his intentions? However given that it took two months to get to meeting…I’d say I already know the answer, that I’m just a back burner texter? He’s nice, he’s interesting, intelligent and actually having him as a friend is ok. I’m weeding out the other texters that just give me fuck all and me them little either.

Whatever this year has taken away, it’s also given. It’s made me start writing this, and even if no one reads it, it doesn’t matter, it’s my journal. My story. It’s given me some amazing quality time with the bestest of friends. Given me solutions to things I didn’t know I needed . Made me swap things around in the house, and feel better for it. Made me call out people’s awful attitudes, made me reflect. Maybe there’s growth within this lockdown saga after all?

Peace out and be kind to yourselves.

Part 30. I thought I’d be less on the shelf than I appear still to be

Oh seriously if I don’t poke a little fun at myself I’ll go insane tbh. I really didn’t think when I set up an alternative twitter and a blog about being on the shelf, that I’d actually be on the shelf for long. In fact I think I’m in denial a little bit about how sexy, attractive and as much of a catch as I thought I was. I’ve had two dates recently that didn’t even end in a snog and I mean these lips are irresistible 😉.

Kissable no?

I’m trying really hard not to get down about the loneliness and thoughts that maybe I’m not someone’s catch. I’m enjoying the getting to know people. I’m not enjoying the ghosting and people changing their bio to still appear to be dating and looking for something different to what they’ve told me. I’m enjoying the sitting down socialising. I’m not enjoying reading the scene and wondering what is next. I like the possibility there may be a kiss or two. I don’t like that there may be a second date with no commitment to arranging that date. I like the chat. I hate the being let down. I immensely hate that there seems to be no common ground and that the men I attract seem to be total wasters, just want a fuck or they’re not remotely attractive to me.

So do I cull the dates, end up with endless time alone? I just don’t know. My insight into some of the people I’ve conversed with recently has been really good. Good for thought about how other people treat the dating scene. I spoke to a guy recently who just wanted to message, he gave me his insight. I gave him my thoughts. We agreed I wasn’t the person he’d be getting what he wanted off. He gave me this food for thought though. For him it was a boost and fun. I explained for me it made me feel worthless. I loved that we actually chatted through our frustrations of each other and our different expectations of dating. He was articulate, kind, funny but just not in a place to date and actually once we’d communicated this together it did make me remember the time where that was enough for me too. That’s not enough for me now and as a result here I am getting very dusty on that top shelf. I spoke to another guy that I blatantly swiped on even though it said he wasn’t single, again just to see if he swiped. He did. I made it clear I had no intention of pursuing anything but I wanted to gain his insight into why he was perusing dating sites as a married monogamous man! Basically it all came down to the lack of communication with his wife. I’ve not been scathing of him, however I’ve tried to communicate how awful it would be for his wife to know he was perusing instead of talking to her. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. I’m not trying to be some angel solving the marital problems of others but the crux of many relationships falling apart is due to lack of effective communication.

This is D… Looking for the side hustle!

There’s this scale and little devil Vs angel I guess. One shoulder with the come on be sensible, keep plodding, you know that’s the best option you’ll find somebody Vs the just go out kiss, fuck, have fun. And then there’s me right in the middle going fuuuuuck someone come save me from this. Not one is right nor wrong. My animal instinct and need for touch and communication is perfectly natural. I do wonder if I’m just caught up in me trying to find something that just isn’t there with the people I meet.

Perching in the middle at the moment is giving me absolutely nothing except loneliness.

I just don’t know where to turn. The longer I go without any reasonable human touch, the more I crave and desire something that doesn’t exist. Over on my insta, I’ve just opened up to the way I’m feeling. ⬇️⬇️⬇️

*⚠️Deep post warning⚠️* skip by if you don’t want to read, and if you’re maybe not in a great place at the mo. I’m not looking for sympathy,I guess I just want to be honest and offload a bit?

I don’t post much here anymore, I tend to tweet more. I put a story up sat and got some lovely comments and for those I’m truly thankful. Especially given some of the people commenting who are just so beautiful, kind, funny and caring.

I spent Sat being silly, making an effort, scrubbing up ok and feeling absolutely awesome about how I looked. I liked myself (I generally do nowadays-that’s growth in itself). I had a mooch about, then I came home alone to an empty house 😩. (Nothing new in that).

Truth is, I like my own company. I like being self sufficient. I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at personally, professionally and under the amazing humour and amazing personality (😂🤣) is an awesome woman who often hasn’t realised her own worth. I see that worth…if only someone else would see that worth too and want me to be their girlfriend, rather than ghosting me, lying to me or dangling me about until something bigger and better comes along. I deserve better, don’t we all.

The truth of the matter is, I’m exceptionally lonely at times. If it wasn’t for being at school a lot of the time, I’d barely see many people…And I know covid has put paid plans for us all. I spend half my time alone. I have some amazing friends who have been there through the years and include me where they can, however ultimately for a long time now I’ve felt very much the one who is alone in a lot of what I do. My friends who have been there for me, do not realise what a difference they make to my life. They’re the joy in my days at times.

I have been on and off dating sites for a long while. Dated longer term at times, and then other times just a date here and there. I’m at a point where it feels a bit hopeless. Like no one really wants to date me seriously.

I just wish someone would see me for me, awesomeness, stroppiness and everything in-between. One day huh?

I haven’t been frank and open like this on there for a while. Especially not so IRL people really get to see. I’m not sure why I’ve even done it this time. Maybe just so others who may be feeling similarly in despair can read too? for those who may have interacted with me, to use me to see? Or just because I need it off my chest? Regardless, it’s there. It’s off my shoulders. I’ve had a little cry and I’ve again vowed onwards and upwards!

Beautiful blue autumn skies from this weekend 😍

As ever thank you for taking the time to read my little ramblings. It’s always appreciated and than you to the people who give me the food for thought.

Part 29. It’s ghosting time again (in the spirit of Halloween?)

My mate what’s apped me earlier and was like what’s this mean in relation to a status I’ve put up…..

I thought everyone knows what ghosting is. He’s on and off the dating scene too. So maybe it’s just me this happens to? I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s rude, it’s unkind and quite honestly there’s no need. Last week I mentioned a guy I met for dinner, wasn’t sure but prepared to give dating a try as everything about him was pretty good, just I didn’t know if I fancied him yet. He messaged all weekend, we chatted, sent pics of home life, etc. And all of a sudden Sunday night it went a bit quiet, Monday barely a reply and then nothing… Not a dicky bird and left on unread. He’s looked at my status above on what’s app so I know he’s been online. I know he’s seen my status yet still he’s left me unread. Why? Is that not just rude? So I’m blocking him .. well maybe once he’s seen the new status I’ve just put up. He has not earned a right now to message me and look at my status on what’s app.

I’m always watching

I’ve had a week off the dating apps. It was refreshing. I went back to see if there was any messages, and I’ve had a ‘hi’ from one and ‘i remember you’ from another…I mean hardly the thousands I thought I’d be washing through 😜. The disillusionment is odd as I’m laughing constantly now at how shit the messages are, if they’ll reply, and tbh just hold my head in my hands with wonder at what is happening with people. Where is their moral compass at?

I wonder if I just tried the ghosting thing whether blokes would just shrug it off or whether they keep trying to message. I’m not going to test the theory out though…as I’m kind!

Anyhow in slightly different territory, maybe I don’t need dating now that I’ve discovered Tracy’s dog….

But if someone can just sort out the lack of snogging then I’ll be happy!