Part 41. Me, me, me

When plans changed last year and living situation changed with the kids I spoke to them about my worry of going from having 50/50 shared access, to them sleeping at mine 12/14 nights. For 7 years we’d done 50/50 with our own space. My time to me with no questions asked from kids if I’m not about, as they weren’t with me. At the time it was changing I did say, what if I start dating. This week my middle child, basically told me that equated to me putting myself first and wanting to bring random men home above them. I was dumbstruck that my words had been twisted and made into something they weren’t. I was concerned that if I went from not having the shared access like we had, that our lives would overlap in a way that wasn’t constructive for any of us, particularly as me and middle one do clash. I did have in back of my mind that in past I’ve had freedom to have a guy back should I wish for a cuppa… Or whatever I wanted, but obviously with pandemic and dating being as it is that’s not been something I’ve actively done. I’ve wondered if I really was me me me, or whether me trying to say how I feel to my kids and share parts of what I was concerned about was then used as ammunition by their dad.

We’re all a bit self centered, a bit me me me at times aren’t we. I’m wondering at the moment about life, relationships, friendships if there have been too many times that I have been me me me, but then completely the opposite with very little in the middle. I suppose I’ve been pondering things as life again has thrown up more stuff and is about to change again!

Unless you’ve spent many days and nights alone and adjusted to that pattern I’m not sure how I can make anyone understand. And in retrospect maybe I should never have said anything about my concerns and merely just accepted what was happening. However in the last few years I’ve worked at trying to accept my alone time. During the lockdown’s having to accept that there were many days and nights of complete aloneness. How do you explain that and the feeling that arise from it to people who don’t have that… And my kids don’t have that!

I thought finally standing up for myself and actually trying out some healthy selfishness would mean things would come right, however actually maybe doing that in the long term was the worst thing I can do, as now my reality will be that I’m going to have a 50/50 relationship with my son being here, but my girls have decided they’ll live with their dad full time.

I’m scared, sad, in turmoil I guess, financially really uncertain, as my child benefit etc stops and I guess I’ve become dependent on that to pay for things we need, including paying the mortgage. However the biggest thing is, I’m heartbroken. I don’t think I’ve felt a pain like finding out they’re not wanting to live with me. It’s beyond anything I’ve ever felt and I’m not sure how anything will get back on track. It’s not even like the pain of a relationship deteriorating.

On the flip side I wonder if us not seeing each other so much will build our relationship? I can only hope for that? I’ve been fed up of being taken advantage of, bullied, name called and used. These last six months I’ve been treated way beyond the way a mum or an ex partner should be treated. Retrospect is a funny thing ..I wonder what the future holds though!

Part 40. With a little bit of luck (and good judgement?)

I caught up with some girlfriends at the weekend. Haven’t caught up in so long. Weather was nice so it meant that we could have six of us outside nattering and just generally having a laugh along with some drink. It was effortless. Fun and just generally so nice that on Sunday I felt in a bit of a come down if I’m honest. I’ve waited so long to catch up and do things that it was a bit of a rollercoaster. It’s made me think about the alone time again. I get through it in whatever means possible but I really want, maybe need, to have more than just the alternate weekends with a walk booked in. Knowing that the possibility of doing things again is now on the table it also feels a little overwhelming. https://youtu.be/1VbXxyHRQbM

Anyhow, I digress. I was asked about dating. By one of the girls, I lied…I said to one of the girls that I was always on dates, so not true! I’ve had walks on and off over the last year, but I’m also in no means a serial dater. I didn’t divulge too much, nothing to tell I guess, however I did say how let down I’ve felt by the experience of many men. Many of the experience’s I’ve plotted here over the last nine months or so. However I have left bits and bobs out along the way. I’ve become embarrassed at the amount of dates that have led to nothing. And I know I shouldn’t feel like that as I’ve always said it’s that want rather than need to meet someone that’s ultimately why I’m single. I still just can’t let myself settle for something that’s not right. However I also got to get over being so embarrassed if things don’t pan out after I’ve told friends I’m going on, or have had a date. At the end of the day I guess there’s no right or wrong way, but not telling people cos I’m embarrassed in case it goes nowhere Vs not telling people as I’m terrified I’ve tempted fate is just silly! I’ve got to stop berrating myself and just go with the flow.

I can’t recall if I spoke of manifestations last time. My friend believes I need to open my mind to the universe, make space in my wardrobe, bed and buy new towels for a potential future partner. I took manifestations at a different level. I believe I’m better than settling, and the people along the way that haven’t worked just prove this. My friend believes if I think they’re a dick then they’ll be a dick! I agree. And if there’s that vibe, then I’m not going to pursue it. However I have also been manifesting that the man I meet is honest, attractive to me, and single. There’s not many people I come across that I get that vibe from, however I’m pretty certain that’s going to change…I’m manifesting the good energy. And as recently I did have a very good date……..I’m hopeful there will be further good ones!

As ever… Still smiling 😍… The cleavage makes me happy 😜

And if you’re in the market for a book about manifesting, this is an easy read
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1788171829/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_N9M657ZEAB9EJFE18DAS?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

Part 39. Everyday is a winding road

Every day is a new day, with twists, turns. Who knows where it’s headed. Now that the days have seemed brighter, they’re longer, and restrictions are lifting so you can see others, it does feel like the long winding, hard going days may be a bit of a distant memory. I’m under no illusion that things are going to be up and down and that the pandemic is far from over. I’m optimistic that things have shifted. I know having lived those long dark alone days and nights have been miserable at times however I hope that next winter if we are put in another lockdown, isolated, that I’ll have enough structure and coping skills to just get on.

Dating has not really been a priority, however I have been on and off sites chatting to people. Sadly I’ve realised that the people I seem to attract, agree really the people I don’t want. When I say that, I don’t mean because of personality, looks or that type of thing.. More in their approach. I still seem to attract men that go “wow, there’s something sexy about you, fancy a fuck!?”. Now maybe 35 year old me who was inexperienced and new at dating found that maybe a little lovely to be desired. However 42 year old me finds it a massive turn off. Recently matched with a guy, swapped no. Played text tennis, he suggested a call, I said yes, then he couldn’t find time for call, suggested a walk but then said he couldn’t find time for walk. I said let’s just leave it. Didn’t correspond and then he messaged back on the dating site. I asked why given I’d said it was best to leave it. Then he text me, suggested I send him my address as I was home alone and he could do with some fun. Honestly, to say I found it degrading is an understatement. He couldn’t afford me time for the call or walk he’d suggested, however he could afford me the time for a fuck 🤦. I told him this over text, he called me and I basically told him how low this was, especially after you’d chatted, told him you wanted to date and that you’re not looking for FWB/hook up. He was shocked, I was brutally honest, raw in my voice with how I felt and I think he was surprised. He thanked me for giving him some context. He said goodbye and wished me good luck along the way. He’s just sent a voicenote to thank me for actually chatting, giving him some food for thought. Maybe he will consider how he talks to the next woman and really considers what he actually wants? I know I’m not going to change men, and I know it’s not all men, however who thinks this is the way women want or deserve to be treated?

I have been open minded and trying to keep positive about the men I interact with. I know there’s such a lot to consider when meeting someone, it’s not just looks, but really this type of conversation is just a red flag. When you just slither into the gutter with the conversation, you can expect that really it is going to be the underpinning of any basis of where you then head. I had a date recently. He would twist the conversation subtlety to innuendo or just imagine type of chat, and I made it really clear that was not what I was after. We spent a long time chatting, video and calls as well as phonecalls but after he’d overstepped again, I said look I’m ok with chatting like that if we’re getting but we’ve met once… Can we just get to know each other first. Obviously he apologises, then no calls, no video chat and a couple of texts, no reply to a text and then a bullshit excuse of why he couldn’t meet this weekend for another date. So my thinking is that he actually really only wanted a fuck too but just was using the pretence of getting to know me in the hope I’d spread.

I really have found this last year plus incredibly lonely at times…especially those long periods when it’s my child free time. I can’t imagine how hard it is alone 24/7. Whilst now may not be the right time to match, chat, get to know someone, at least it really has given me those real thoughts about what it is that I do and don’t want. I know I do miss intimacy, hugs and just having that special person, however I’m also very thankful that my friends listen, chat and be my crutch.

So whilst every day is a winding road, “Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine” https://youtu.be/khrx-zrG460

…still smiling…

Part 38. Lockdown=Groundhog day

Well it’s been a little while since I last wrote a blog. I’ve not had the time or inclination really. Works beyond busy. Those who were under the illusion that lockdown 3 enforced school staff into doing nothing and extending their holiday’s were mistaken. So I’ve had focus and drive in lots of ways. No time to ponder more than usual about being single.

I really backed off from the sites. My match subscription ends on 21st February. Six months with no normality has affected the dating, however on top it’s a pretty pants pool! Trying to keep conversation’s alive when some people are not really into walking mean that they just drift off, as there’s no hope to meet up. The fetish men have appeared in force over last few months too. The ones who keep pursuing sex talk on top. I know we’re enclosed and if single, abiding by rules, then totally not getting any, however I don’t need a conversation to just turn to that within about three texts!

I’m definitely in a position of very little tolerance. As you know, I’m tactile. I need touch and intimacy but I really don’t want to fall into the rabbit hole. I think that if I really do start to date properly, when it’s allowed again, I’m maybe going to come across quite negatively? I’m not saying rule out a flirt with an innuendo…but basically if you’re asking to wank over my pictures, I’m a bit like, errrrr, why ask? Do it if you’re going to, I can’t stop you, however I don’t think I really want to know unless we’re dating! Am I wrong in thinking this? Fantasise if you’re chatting me up, but don’t tell me!

After the build up to Christmas, new year etc and being alone, I think I’ve definitely tried to look from the perspective that I’ve done it again. I can’t be sure I won’t be alone again at times and I’ve got to accept that. If you think you’re going to go through life not accepting things like being single and then you do end up for a prolonged period then that’s what makes it harder. Through Summer I was like oooh maybe this Christmas it will be with someone and ultimately that’s what made me so sad when I wasn’t as I was so let down. It wasn’t even the actual being on my own part that hurt. It was the knowing I’d sold myself an image of what life should look like. Trying to knock down perception of what normal looks like isn’t something I can be bothered with. My normal is not someone else’s. Me being alone every other weekend is something I’ve done for many years, and even when I was dating I spent many of these weekends alone. My journey of discovery, acceptance and trying to keep positive will ultimately be how my path continues.

Ooooh … And I nearly forgot I got an actual proper apology in the end from W… “Never meant to hurt you”, so on from his admitting he was seeing someone and apology mean’s the friendship is just about intact. I’d love to say for a fact that there will be no revisiting old ground as ultimately he’s a cheating prick, but I can’t deny when I see him online, my heart thumps despite his abysmal behaviour. What I can say for a fact is that in the place where I am right now, it’s not being revisited!

So lovely people who read this… Don’t know who you all are, but as always I appreciate you! Roll on brighter days!

And like I always say… Still smiling 😍

Part 37. Priority 1….is me!

I have read so many tweets recently about putting yourself first. Prioritising, attuning. There are so many of us that when we’re looking at dating, prioritise that over the rest of our lives. It becomes a way of entertainment. Filling a void. Even more so during lockdown’s where there is little to do apart from scroll the internet and if you’re a dater then the apps for sure form a part of that, (or maybe that’s just me). After the last guy I chatted to, I had no oomph to even attempt to chat with anyone else…1. what’s the point, we’re in a pandemic and 2. Easier to not be chatting to several people. 3… Seriously what’s the point?

I know lockdown 1 was a success for many people when they were dating, bubbling up etc. I almost feel I’ve had FOMO from not bubbling, as it seems to be what you hear from all of these single people or people who don’t live with any adult. However I’m not sure that actually everyone has done that. I have had a bubble void before you could even choose it as an option. Not like I have been particularly successful in dating and relationships since my marriage ended. In fact 7 years ago today, I took over the mortgage on this house myself, dated in-between…. Yet am ultimately in same position I was back then. Single… The difference is that I really have gone through times of making myself a priority and other times letting myself become just a being. Throughout my little rollercoaster and FOMO I guess I’m realising there’s more to settling, more to making friendships be the sustenance of your life, more to finding the real me. I’ve become a much more forthright, confident being at times. Calling out Bullshit… Not always as timely as I’d have liked! Hey none the less, learning.

I always treat 10th January as my new year. I think taking over this house alone, making it mine and the kids, redecorating, new kitchen and bathroom, plans for further upgrades are all so positive. I was on the floor with my wellbeing during my marriage split and was so negative. I was in the I can’t do it camp. I have no idea when that actually changed to a point of I can do, and will do… But at some point it must have changed as here I am doing it, and not only doing it and bring trades to come and do stuff. I’ve learnt how to do stuff myself. Reflection has meant that I’ve realised that when I prioritise myself, boost my learning, invest in myself… That there is no better feeling. So here’s to continuing making me a priority, and becoming my best version of myself.

And always…. Smile!

Part 36. Dating normality

Christmas and New Year, (as uneventful as I expected given that we weren’t allowed to do anything) has found me watching Sex and the City. I never watched it first time round. Not sure why, just wasn’t something I got into. It came up as an option to watch so I thought hey why not. I am actually really shocked that dating didn’t appear to have changed massively since the late 90s. In fact much of the storyline has been relevant to me and my experiences of dating over the last few years. I was newly single at 35 after being in a relationship with my ex husband from age 18. I didn’t experience the game playing from men before this, as I didn’t really date. My ex husband was my first proper relationship and vice versa.

Getting into dating has been such an experience. I didn’t think there would be so many parallels to a series that was written late 90s onwards. However, here I am. I thought we’d evolved such a lot but I wonder if actually the same kind of trials and tribulations happen as before but we just know about them because of TV, media etc? One thing I have found is my absolute hatred for Big. I think it’s resonated with me such a lot as he shows characteristics of a couple of people I’ve come across in my dating life and it’s made me wish I’d realised sooner!

I did a bumble swipe session weekend before Christmas, then paused it after I had two dates with a guy who then inadvertently sent me a pic of another woman but then denied it was from his what’s app and then blanked me? I logged onto match to find a few messages over Christmas, two pretty much identical in the respect of saying how was Christmas… How do you answer that when you were alone and had leftover Chinese for Christmas dinner? Have chatted with one guy and not logged back on to match since swapping no’s with him and hoping that he comes to something more than just another person in my phone!? However this pandemic seems to be ruining any chance of anything developing beyond someone being in my phone.

I know the first lockdown appeared to be a real positive for so many people who met online and managed to walk and connect in a time where this was a bit of a novelty, the weather was brighter and it seemed like there was an end in sight to life going back to normal. Now it feels like normal life and connecting with a potential mate may not ever go back to before? So surely the dating game and connections need to develop beyond the parallels that were there 20+years ago? I guess time will tell. The beauty of apps and technology has meant that you can video chat much easier and without even swapping no’s. Unfortunately what it hasn’t developed is the way to replicate touch, and that’s a major thing I’m missing. I take my hat off to anyone who has not had a hug in months as I’m struggling without any if I’m honest. My kids are beyond that and if I do get a tiny hug I am thankful yet it’s not the same as finding that with a partner.

My ship most definitely has sailed with W. It’s borderline whether the friendship will completely get back on track, but I’ve accepted that the here and now means there’s not going to be an us. If I’m honest I’d have loved it to work, knowing how much I’d always fancied him, however he’s going to always be like Mr Big and just be in and out at his pace… And I don’t want or need that. I deserve much more. I’d rather still keep being single than be with the wrong person. The loneliness will always come and go whether you’re with a partner or not!

Part 35. It’ll be lovely this Christmas, without bullshit from a bloke!

Ok. So many weeks have since passed from last blog and another weekend of being let down. Another weekend of lies! I didn’t manage to call W out much more than I’d already done as he chose to barely speak to me after that weekend of him not keeping to his plans like he’s said. I actually wonder if he really did have his son there. And the reason I wonder this is because he’s admitted he was still ‘speaking’ to another woman. When he says speaking, I think that probably means his penis was often frequenting her bits and pieces! I noticed this when a name that kept coming up, and then appeared commenting on his insta …

Errr… Yeah!

Honestly… And then last week he was still being beyond vague but calls me Friday to say he might get the train up over the weekend (err really, I don’t think so)…..but then proceeded to ignore me and some texts I’ve sent…err get in the bin. Sadly he’s now just ruined a friendship! And given that, I don’t think I’ll be making any conscious effort to connect. In fact it’s made me find him somewhat unattractive now.

I did what I thought best a few weeks ago and had bumble in the background. Match still there but not even attempting to use it as I’ve had so little interaction it’s unreal. Matched with a guy, had two walks and dinner for him to inadvertently send me a photo of another woman with a message underneath

Oh do you… Well if you love her wry grin, you can fuck off from my what’s app 🤣😂

The thing that bothers me about this absolute knob jockey is that he proceeded to tell me it wasn’t him and that it wasn’t on his what’s app (err we know how to delete messages mate!). I’m savvy enough to know there’s no way you can cross messages into what’s app , so he’s defo sent them to me in error thinking he was replying to her…TWAT. I called him out, funny enough he hasn’t replied?! Says it all doesn’t it.

I know so many other single people have struggled throughout the pandemic with dating. However I know most have us with struggled with normal life without saying woes added into the mix. I think I’d made peace with the thought of time alone at Christmas a while back, although I was still wobbling about it. Given the news this last week and restrictions, I find myself oddly ok about being home alone… Probably better than most people as I’d already known that was the way it was. I’m lucky to have an amazing friend who through us being thick and thin have found a new found beauty in our friendship this year. I’ve spent several of my single years with her, her girls & her parents and this year I’ll be popping past for brekkie within the bubble system, mask, distance, outside, whatever is necessary! So whilst initially I fretted about my singleness, and being lonely… I’ve turned it around and said, it’ll be lovely this Christmas, with the people that mean the most to me, whether that be online, via twitter, text, what’s app….but the people who’ve seen me through the year are the ones I’ll end up with and that’s all that matters really isn’t it!

Merry Crimbo my lovelies and thanks for reading!

Part 34. Damaged goods

Sometimes you go shopping and there’s a dent in the tin you’ve picked up, you get to the till and they say it’s dented do you still want it, and you say, oooh no thanks, I don’t know what it will be like inside. That’s a bit like life isn’t it? We don’t want damaged goods, we want shiny, sparkling, and new, with a great warranty. I’m a bit like the dented tin that keeps getting placed back on the shelf. No one really wants it, but from time to time you’re picked up, you get to the till and then your told nah I don’t want you after all. Only thing every time you’re returned to the shelf another little dent appears, until comes a time that you’re placed on the reduced shelf. If you’re lucky someone may think you’re the bargain they were after. If you’re really unlucky you just end up sitting watching all the other tins and bargains disappear around you.

For a long while I’ve known I’m a dented individual. The difference between me and a dented tin though is that I can rub out some of the dents. At other times I feel I get more dents than your average dented tin! I’ve worked tirelessly at self growth over a number of years, but particularly in the last year or two. I’ve realised what can dent me, and I’ve started to realise what parts of the past have affected me so profoundly. I’ve started sticking up for myself much more than ever before, and generally from a constructive place. I know that for me, lack of communication is huge. However I’m starting to understand that sometimes I lack the confidence to say something because it may hurt someone, have an impact on our relationship or might ruin it completely. I’m very good at using “I statement” with my kids, however I’m probably not so good at doing that with people in a professional or non-family set up. When Mr Gold medal (part 25 and earlier) was about, the times he came to mine covered in other women’s makeup, wouldn’t come to mine when he said he would, wouldn’t reply to texts. I let him off lightly, I’d say something but not the whole of what I was feeling. So when he asked me for the afternoon of fun back in September and I told him in no uncertain terms that would never happen again, I thought it may just click. I’ve not heard from him since then, until last night when he appeared and disappeared (after I called him out). However he probably doesn’t even realise why I’m hurt by him. So sometimes, as much as I try to communicate, it either isn’t as significant to the other person and therefore doesn’t have the same meaning, or some people just don’t actually get it? See below

Now in his case, I believe he is clueless as I think he’s a narcissistic old arse! In other cases it’s definitely because I can’t properly say what I want to. The last two blogs have referred to W. Last blog I was very uncertain about what to do, I felt hurt and let down that he wasn’t being true to his word. I know it probably sounds like all I do is fall for people if you’ve read my blogs (I’m an affectionate person) but W is just the one that has undoubtedly made my heart light when I’ve seen him and desire etc etc. So, obviously I did what I do, and I joined a bubble with him. And when I saw him, it was like it was only weeks ago that we’d last been face to face rather than years. I know there’s parts I don’t like about him, same he will no doubt have with me. Yet, he makes me come alive, we laugh, are silly, always drink too much when I’m with him which is not a good trait, but I absolutely fancy the arse off him still. He makes me nervous that I fancy him that much and that he appears to feel the same. I’ve never understood that from a man and that’s to my detriment! Deep down I know I’m attractive, I think I’ve referred to that previously, but I don’t want it to come across as modest 🙈. Anyhow , I digress. When he laid it on table that he’d like to give it a go with me, I asked him why he’d never told me before. Between us we’d both made assumptions of the other, and what was going on, state of relationship etc. He’s admitted he was jealous of the guy I dated a while back (and therefore why we didn’t catch up). I didn’t admit I was always beyond jealous when I saw him on the arm of someone. We’ve caught up again since. He again lit me up just by being with him. He was supposed to be here with me this weekend but his son made plans to see him and when he told me I kinda shrugged and went oh! What I felt and what I said we’re two very different things. Inside I was so sad, let down and hurt. Yet I didn’t really convey that in my words.

Last night we conversed a bit. I wanted to find out what he’s said to his son and ex about keeping to his time, yet I didn’t ask him. Instead I guessed what was going on. Today he told me he’s out and that made me make assumptions and again miscommunicate. As a result I’m feeling hurt, cross for making assumptions, but stupid for not communicating. Ultimately if we can’t communicate …I’d feel there’s little hope for us?! But like I’ve said, there’s something with us.

The blog tonight came from a place where initially I had an element of rage from within. When I calmed and was rational and started writing, it’s come very much from a different part of my brain. Tomorrow I think it’s time for me to grab the bull by the horns and talk. I need to say what I’m thinking and not assume he knows, and I need to convey that he does the same to me. I know there are many odds stacked against us, but maybe there are just as many for us? Also since we’ve properly been chatting more regularly, I’ve not perused a dating site. Still signed up to match for two more months, so still have that but I haven’t logged on there…. This is huge for me! Especially as I like to get the most out of subscription’s. Fresh start …

Part 33. Gaslighting?

My last ramblings, were from a before and just after being let down by someone who had asked why we have never given it a real go. Given that, and emotionally being so excited at the thought of someone I utterly fancy being interested, I’ve ended up being in the emotions that come when things don’t work out as planned. I’m sure some of you must read these blogs and think for fucks sake just ditch the bloody dating. And I’ll be honest I’m not 100% committed to it. However this was very much from someone I’ve know for many years and am still in regular contact with rather than summertime I’m chatting with on a dating site. I have not put my all into it for some time as it’s always been twatty men who seem to speak to me and I’m already ready to flip my lid with regards to their negativity or letting me down when my thoughts are if they actually do want to date me, they will be putting their all into getting to know me! Given this, and I think me being more aware of gaslighting type of behaviours now, I’m so much more likely to call it out. I don’t think some men expect that. I’m lonely, however I’m not desperate and my strength of character and where I’m at in my life means that although sometimes I’m making poor choices with the connections I’ve initially made. I’m realising much more promptly if these are positive or negative, block and delete and move along.

Life is definitely a learning curve.

W kinda speaking in the way he did the other weekend, lit my heart up in such a way, that I felt absolutely awesome and a bit like I was on cloud nine for a few days. And I’ll be completely honest, that feeling was insane for a few hours  I felt butterflies and emotions that I haven’t felt from a guy in a really long time. Especially from someone that I’ve already had a connection that makes you feel alive when you’re with them. However very soon after being let down when he couldn’t come to see me, my rational thought started creeping in. This time I don’t think it was anything more than my gut instinct saying, woah, slow down. Don’t get swept away here. I’ve allowed myself to be more pragmatic. I’ve had my tuppance worth in the bitty conversations that I’ve had back with him. I’ve become undecided in how I want to proceed. And after chats with one of my closest friends, I gone full circle of feelings, and between us I think we know that being on the end of something like this can be short lived. The euphoria of someone telling you how amazing you are Vs the reality of them not following through on their words is such a rollercoaster. Given that W and I are still in touch after all this time is testimony of our character, however in the cold light of day, not trying conventional dating before probably in my heart of hearts is because I know it’s a one way relationship. Now given my optimism initially, his calls and messages have been a little sporadic. And then there was 36 hours where he just disappeared , didn’t reply, hung up mid call and didn’t follow up with that. And now in my rational brain I’m questioning the gaslighting type of behaviour that I’m pretty certain he’s now displaying. I’ve spoken before about ghosting, being ignored and what not and they’re awful, they make you wonder what you’ve done, when generally you haven’t done anything at all, but gaslighting is a whole new level. Maybe the term gaslighting isn’t hugely relevant here given we’re not in a relationship, however the definition is to manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity. And this is what I have done.

It’s hard to reveal the context of exactly what has gone on and why I’m now suggesting it could be gaslighting without going into the why’s and what for’s. However given me sitting and writing that I’ve questioned myself once again, either seems to suggest that I’m a deeply disturbed, paranoid individual or that his ignoring, and vagueness suggests maybe he’s the one at fault. (And I know we sometimes forget to respond to messages, were all human… You don’t forget you were mid conversation and don’t return to that, hang up and then not respond to texts though?!) Whichever it is, I’m yet again not prepared to put up with flakiness and ignorance. I’ve already put up with that far too many times in my adult life. No one deserves to be treated in this way.

No matter what though…..I’m still smiling!

Part 32. Arms length (a before and after blog).

I’m pretty sure I’ve not spoken about W on here before. W is someone I met through online dating back in 2014. W is someone who I speak and what’s app regularly however W is someone I’ve kept at arms length for some time. In fact I’ve not seen him in the flesh for over three years, yet he’s someone that I message, think about, chat shit with, banter with and often wonder with such fondness about the times that we have spent together. He’s the one I’ve had the most disastrous and funny times together, and the one that still sets my heart on fire when I see him in pics and on video chat He’s the one that all my friends know about, he’s the one that some of my friends say wow, I can’t believe you still chat, and wonder aloud about. W is one my kids know about, and I still refer to him as my friend. W is someone I absolutely have the hots for. He’s an amazing dad, funny, sarcastic, driven, sexy, just an overall one of those people that you think I wish we were together. W is 90 mins away and always busy. W is someone I’ve chatted with many a time at why we still chat, why we are still drawn together, and yet W is someone I’ve held at arms length so much. I got into a relationship after I last saw him so between us both dating we then weren’t single at the same time and I was absolutely convinced that he only every wants to see me for ‘fun’.

W called me on Sunday and asked me why I hold him at arms length. Why we haven’t ever really given it a go. Why I’m so quick to shut down the possibility of us. Why I’m so quick to think that he only wants fun with me and nothing more. Why do we still keep in touch and look out for each other. W has asked me if we can give it a go and just see what happens. W has just absolutely blown my mind. I said you’ve never said this to me before though. I’ve wrongly assumed for a really long time that I was just someone to fill up some time and that yet again I was putting barriers up with. Ultimately W is the man I’ve wanted and desired in my life for so long, yet resisted pretty much because of the distance and the thought that I might not actually get to see him very often. All the while I’ve continued to go on shitty dates, as has he. And all the time I’ve still wondered and chatted about W with my mates and hoped that there may be some possibilities of this working in some capacity. To be fair W often speaks like I know what he’s thinking… And I keep having to remind him that I can’t read minds and he has to tell me exactly what he means. So given the revelation this weekend, I’m now the proud owner of my heart swelling in size with the fact that he’s been so honest.

So, right now we’re both bubble free. So we can choose each other. And he’s put it on the table that he wants to come and see me this week on one of my free Eve’s. I’m trying to suppress the excitement and apart one of my closest friends and another on twitter I’ve not mentioned this to another living soul. The reason is that down inside I’m terrified. Scared of him bailing, scared of being let down, and I just don’t want that to happen with him. I’m shitting myself that I could fall in love with him and be broken if it didn’t work and that we could lose the amazing thing that we have got between us. Yet if I keep getting like this, then there never going to be hope for anyone really is there? I’ve got to at least give it a try ?

So amongst my frustration of him not being so open and honest before, I’ve been filled with the most amazing feeling by the things that he has told me.. And do you know what, for once I genuinely believe it’s not a ploy just to get me into bed… Cos we’ve been there so many times! He told me that sometimes when he sees a picture of me, he just looks at me and can’t see why I’m single, as I’m so sexy, that he likes the person that I am, what I’m about….even when I’m thinking I look shit he likes these pics. He sent me one of my pics back and just was like “I love this picture of you” I go to my automatic reaction of as if. And when we spoke the other night, he said you just don’t get it, I think you’re so hot, even when you don’t see it.

I’m writing this, knowing I’m not actually going to publish it quite yet. Thinking that I’m probably either going to publish it after we’ve met or publish after he’s let me down.

I wonder which one it will turn out to be, but genuinely I hope it’s the first one. 🤞

………………………………………………………………………And it went like https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSVLd9hc/

And this is why I try not to let things excite me, as then I can’t feel let down! (But I’m gutted). I haven’t seen him for so long and the thought of seeing him in the flesh was so exciting. Remembering the times we’ve spent together, and the way he’s made me feel in the past.

I have to take this as being genuine, and yet again have to think this is why I wanted to meet someone so much closer as things like this would mean you could snatch some time together even when this like this happened. Being 90 mins away rules out impromptu get togethers. I have to think of it in the respect that I’ve waited this long to see him again, however given his outpouring of let’s give it a go chat over the weekend, I can’t help and just wonder if this is a sign?

It’s hard to keep upbeat normally when you’re trying to find someone to have in your life, let alone this year during this pandemic. I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that I’m pretty awesome as a person and that being alone isn’t awful.