Part 24. Barriers

I don’t know if everyone is as good as me when it comes to putting up barriers. Reasons why you can’t do things. Excuses of why things are the way they are. In the last couple of months whilst I have been blogging, I have become more aware of things like this and I am not 100% of why I put barriers up, apart from to prevent me from getting hurt.


Today I’ve had such a mixture of emotions. My ex-husband has different things happening in life and it will mean that my kids are likely to change from the 50/50 split we currently have to them being here every evening. I have mixed emotions about it but one of the biggest overwhelming, perhaps selfish thoughts was about how this will impact on me and my life. I’m a nomad, I do what I want when I want, on my own. There are times where it’s lonely as hell, yet other times where it is the calm sanctuary that I need. The reality is that it gives me freedom and the ability to date, have someone over should I wish and also for me to not come home if I don’t want to.

Now those of you who have read my previous blogs know that this isn’t an every time I’m alone thing, however there are times that I have fully taken of advantage of my me time. When I realised that for potentially the next year this may not be an option I felt a block, a barrier appear and I could feel my brain tumbling into dating becoming another barrier. I could feel myself building yet more reasons why I’m undateable. Why no one would want to be with me. Another excuse as to why things are not the perfect romanticised view of life.

I’ve spoken before about not settling, and I’m not prepared to do that, but I’ve also got to stop building non-existent barriers. Of course I’m dateable, I’m fit as fuck, as some of my friends have told me, I’m sexy, I’m kind, I’m caring, I’m hilarious. I’m very much dateable….The reason dating isn’t or hasn’t been right has been because the men are not the right fit. Or I am not their right fit. Not anything to do with being undateable.

I do think the barrier is because of the dents, the constant feeling of it feeling shit when it’s another shit experience. It’s only natural to want to not make ourselves vulnerable, however there needs to be a vulnerability to us so that we can grow. I’ve equated the kids being back every night as a reason as why someone wouldn’t want to date me. Let’s be honest, if the man I meet is only wanting to have a relationship with me and keep separate from my kids then actually he isn’t for me. Initially I’m not prepared to overlap, as that isn’t fair on anyone, especially if things don’t work out. However my kids are the biggest part of my life, alongside my job, friends and family. Anyone who really is for me, will take that part of me. Won’t they??

I’ve had two guys I’ve properly dated in seven years, both of which have featured in the blog. N (Mr Married) stayed here, we did things altogether now and again, however this was soon after me and kids dad split and there was elements of kids knowing he was pissing me about that they understandably hated. He did try and make an effort with all of them though. R hardly met the kids in 19 months of me dating him. He stayed over once when kids were here, never met any of my family and barely met my friends. My barrier became my kids. I kept them out of things with R because of their experience with N. I’ve joked that they have been natural contraception. The reality is, I’m really not prepared to introduce them to just anyone. That’s not fair on anyone. The kids have knowledge that I date. I don’t tell them the in’s and out’s. I don’t make a secret of me having apps and chatting with people. I think they do just want the best for me.

So maybe the barrier that may appear when they are back here every night is the barrier that is necessary. The barrier that weeds out the bad… and lets me find the one who thinks I’m worth pursuing?

I’m going to keep smiling though!

Part 23. Reading between the lines.

Last time I wrote, I mentioned agreeing to a date with a guy that I wasn’t sure about. From his pictures I was not 100 about him. We’d only conversed via text, hadn’t had any calls or video chats and his pictures were not really standing out as someone I thought wow. I decided to try to ignore that and go in with an open mind and thoughts that you don’t know til you have tried it. We met, we had the loveliest eve with a tiny kiss at the end. We agreed a Cinema date for the next night as it had been lovely getting to know him, however there still wasn’t that wow factor when I saw him. Again a lovely eve, few kisses. Next eve, we ended up having a cuppa, watching a film however this had originally been me asking if he wanted to join me, he’d had a drink, couldn’t drive so meant I had to go see him rather than him to me. Now whilst this isn’t really big deal, it was a niggle. He lives in town, I live in the village nearby, but after the first two dates I had dropped him home too, as that’s what I do, but given that there seemed no effort to meet me near to me and I had to do the leg work was just an irritant when it came to seeing him the third time. YES I REALISE I SOUND LIKE IM BEING VERY PICKY! I know I don’t know him, however after just a few dates I surely should be chomping at the bit to see him again? Surely I shouldn’t be getting all mardy?

I had said I was probably going to coast today. Asked him what his plans were and he ignored the part of my text and then later said he was dropping a hint to come with me, I said given that I’d asked you your plan and you’d ignored me I took this as not wanting to. Loose plans were eventually made, however last night there were drunks texts tooing and froing and it ended up with me becoming totally disillusioned and not listened to, and also ignored. I went to bed feeling like I was being taken advantage of , and as a result this morning I have messaged him and said I’m out. I also said within this text, I’m happy to talk this through via call as I don’t want it to become a text cop out. There have been plenty of texts this morning and we have realised that the art of communicating effectively was very much lost within these texts. We both agree that the context was misconstrued. I have put my points across to explain how I feel and why, and he has come back to respond.

So given that our communicating is via text, emails etc and that the art of chatting is disappearing. How do we get better at telling people about ourselves and how we feel when we are only getting to know them. When we met for the second time, he asked me how many dates I had been on and I responded by telling him about the last one I had. Completely ignoring his question. I in fact was trying to explain why they had been disastrous, but what he found was I ignored his question. I was really bad at listening. I should have answered his question and then asked if I could explain if appropriate. Instead he found he was being rambled at. Only afterwards when I tried to apologise and explain that he suddenly realised that I was trying to tell him how not to treat me.

To be honest if the communicating is that lost and confusing already then there probably isn’t really much hope for us. The ability to be honest and communicate effectively in my opinion has to be the crux. If you can’t tell each other how you feel, what you are planning on and both feel heard, then there seems little point. The end of my marriage there was points where neither of us could see or hear what the other was saying and this really didn’t help matters. I recall my dad saying to me to take breather and think before imposing replies to e-mails and texts of my ex husband. This gives you the time to re-read, think and respond appropriately. I know that given how busy our lives can be this is not always practical. How many times though do we have info, miss part of it and respond as a result! We then can make mistakes, come across as tardy and our mindset then can’t be altered.

This is 100% true in business, so it should be the same in our personal lives too.
Beautiful sunrise.

So from today, I need to go back to what advice my dad gave me. I need to not be so quick to respond to texts/e-mails when I am busy and am only skimming the messages. I need to try and get better at communicating effectively again.

Thanks for reading.

Part 22. Wtaf is going on in my mind?

I’ve realised that the last 3 weekends I’ve felt ever so sad. Particularly Friday into Saturday. Only one of them has been alone, so the fact that I’ve felt that way even when my kids have been about highlights that maybe I’m not quite as positive and upbeat as I can make out to others. I’m not great at saying things out loud sometimes. Great at writing them down, great at giving advice, not so great at taking heed of the advice. There’s nothing in particular (except dating) that’s getting to me too much. I have some house stuff going on that’s a stress, however it will get sorted and be fine eventually, even if it ends up costing me! I know I’ve said before that I know I can see the days and nights drawing in and season changing highlights me to that aloneness. The closer I get to another Christmas season alone is depressing. However I know I’m the only one that can make the changes to stop feeling this way.

In the last month there has been the Friday fun, and kissing with Mr six years. There has been no dates, no getting to know anyone, no hint of something potentially leading to a date. Lots of people making it clear they want fun, don’t want to date etc etc. People in my twitter dm’s. Most are now being honest and upfront about their circs after my rant about being honest the other day. However no one that remotely makes my heart thump at the hope of the next message/interaction. Yesterday I accepted the offer of a drink with someone via match given that we had chatted. I’ll be honest, I’ve looked at his pics over and over. There is absolutely no physical attraction there for me whatsoever, and even if my mind was feeling more positive I’d still not fancy him. I’m not sure why I’ve accepted. Maybe because I’m trying not to be fickle and go just for looks? You never know. R who I dated, I didn’t really fancy but he went in for a kiss at the end of our first date and it was a good spark. We dated for over a year. I’m trying to be open, go for people in common, however I really know that ultimately I have to find him attractive, physically and emotionally.

On top of this thought of trying to match with people, I’ve been pondering past experiences and risk. I guess the other week Mr Friday Fun was a risk. Something I’ve stopped doing. One as it’s risky, two as I know I can often feel crap after ‘just sex’. In this case, I didn’t bash my head up that I’d just had an hour of fun. I knew that’s what it was and I needed a bit of tlc. However I’m probably deep down pissed off with myself that I was that desperate of some intimacy that I again would put myself at risk. I’ve asked myself why I like intimacy so much? What I get from that that I don’t from a bit of DIY. And it’s so many things, touch, kisses, the rush, the unknown thrill of what’s going to happen. It’s just so different from touching yourself.

Mr six years had asked some really deep intimate questions about sex. You know when men often ask about anal… And you think oh here we go. Again not all men, but many do. When talk of this comes about with someone I’ve never met, don’t really know…. A brick wall appears. My sexual preferences are mine and whoever I’m in bed with, however talk about anal sex is something that makes a chill run through my body. I’m open minded. I’m happy to try things. What I’m not though is to be forced, pinned down and told to fucking shut up…. And sadly that’s happened. Nearly six years ago I went on a date with a man from the American base not too far. We met for dinner, he treated me, held my hand under the table, walked with me told me how beautiful I was, made it clear he’d love to fuck. Stupidly we did in the back of his car. We arranged to meet up at mine the next time. Look I’d already fucked him, even though I’d told myself I wasn’t going to on a first date. What could be so bad about a second meet up?

Back then I was still in a massively naive place. The thought that men wanted you to fuck them and date from the outset. Really all they wanted was the fuck. Not the dating! Anyhow this man came over on a Friday Eve. I can’t recall exactly that chat before..I know there was pics of him for sure.. There was suggestive conversation. What I wasn’t planning or prepared for was him turning up with a huge tube of lube in his coat ready for the type of fun he wanted, or expected. There are parts that are still very vague about this. I know that there was consent to do things. However I don’t recall consent when he pushed me face down into the bed, pulled my arms behind me and told me to fucking shut up. Let’s be clear, he did not rape me. I managed to stop things after I made it clear this really wasn’t for me. However he’d already broken my trust by pinning me down and going further than I wanted. I cried. I know that.. He left. He disappeared until one day Facebook came up with people you may know and here he appeared with a wife and child. Very soon after this happened I met Mr Married. And although I didn’t know he was married, there was something from him that made me feel like he’d saved me. Something that stopped me from just fucking. From making the decisions to have ONS. I’ve hinted things happened to people, never really told them this. Maybe just said I’ve had a bad experience. Given this, the Friday fun really was a silly idea. I’m vulnerable and people know how to target you when you’re vulnerable. I can’t promise I be won’t make stupid decisions again. I can’t promise that I’ll wait to fall into bed…I’d like to think I can, but I’d be a liar.

What I need to promise though is that I will stand up for myself. That I will call you out if I’m unhappy. If I tell you no. I mean no. I’m I say I don’t like it or I want you to stop…I want you to stop.

And if you’re struggling to understand consent

For advice and support try your nearest sexual health clinic.

Part 21. I could get used to this. Oops I already have!

After my previous couple of weekends of wobbles, I have again perused dating websites and chatted with friends about the dating scene. This weekend I caught up with different group of friends, the ones that probably get it least. Ones that may have worried about my past dalliances. Ones who have wanted best but sometimes said the wrong thing. One of these keeps trying to pair me off with an old school friend of hers. Just returned from abroad, having a hard time. I asked if I would eat him alive. Another friend said, “you’d eat everyone alive”.

I’m not that bad. I can be loud, brash and a bit OTT, however I have a heart of gold and am actually very sensitive. Personality and clicking can be a funny thing to get right can’t it. Given that I have often chosen guys that don’t get the social aspect of things, the fact that I like to meet mates, drink, chat etc. I need to have someone who really does fit into that aspect of my life and me into theirs. I was asked earlier this week if I am being too picky. So that in mind I have actively messaged and swiped on people that may be further afield, may not be quite what I usually find attractive, however it’s worth a go. On Match, I have had barely any interaction. One video chat with a guy that was two hours away, however I was prepared to give it a chance to see if we clicked. He was nice enough, but for both of us there was nothing that made us think wow this is worth pursuing. I had a weekend of free access to e-harmony. I got one message. One!! I’m not modest, I think I am ok, have something about me, but to say he would have been punching quite honestly would have been an understatement. I’m thankful that wasn’t that the app of choice, however given that we are paying for Match I thought I would be getting a bit of decent chat.

So have myself and others just got so used to the swipes and matches without chat that this is the norm, that we collect likes and nothing more? I’m used to this, however I need to mix it up. How I go about this is going to be a learning curve.

I have just hidden my profile on tinder again, given a few potential matches and conversations. One leading to a whats app and a video chat arranged for later. He said right I’m coming off tinder to chat with you. I said woah… hide your profile but don’t delete for me, he said I can’t do chatting with more than one woman (who is this man!). I said look I will be happy to hide mine, I’m not actively chatting with others in dating capacity, however I do chat to people online and at the mo, I am not going to stop. He was happy with this and said he was happy with my honesty. I’ve mentioned before that have done the exclusive chat thing and I am not doing that anymore. Not that time is of the essence, but I can’t devote weeks chatting to one, for it not to go anywhere, I would actually like to meet someone one day after all.

So given that I am being honest, I would hope for the same from Men. I need to trust that the man who said he wants to just chat with me is being truthful. However given that the men I have dated and conversed with are often billy bullshitters, I am sceptical. I know I have mentioned my main twitter being full of dm’s and conversations. Plenty of them friendships, several with flirty undertone, and on occasion some with blatant I would love to get to know you, wish you were closer, let’s meet messages. Sometimes we swap numbers and text. Sometimes these end up with calls, texts and I have also met people IRL. Throughout I have made it clear that this is the way it is, that they are not the only one. Many of the men have messaged and made me believe I was the only one though. I’m not naive. However it is a shock when a “poor” woman announces that they are now dating a man, when the man literally days ago was asking when he could visit and saying he was serious!!!!! This in my eyes is not on. He certainly was not making it clear he was seeing her and I know for a fact he was implying to others he would also like to meet them!

So as much as I am used to this… I’m not standing for the billy bullshitter behaviour anymore, and I am calling people out. If you want to chat, I will be asking how many others you are behaving with in the same way- if its a flirty, want to meet type of message! If we are mates and you are not doing that, that’s fine, let’s be mates. I sound mean, a twat perhaps? I’m not. I just don’t like the behaviour that makes it seem its ok to boost you up and you are the only one when blatantly aren’t. Is it fair to anyone???

Be nice people. Don’t lie. Be honest and be less billy bullshitter.

Part 20. Six Years

Sounds like a song may just start when I type six years as a title. I guess there that seven years song and that’s why… Anyhow there is no song, however there’s a little story that starts nearly six years ago. Six years ago was my first proper try at online dating. Can I really call it dating? In reality it ended up just being exploring my likes, dislikes, and led me to a point where I thought I knew what I was looking for (I didn’t!). This November is six years since I met the man who messed me about for too long and continued my push pull relationship cycle. He was married, I didn’t know, he’s mentioned somewhere amongst these blogs. At exactly the same time I met him, I was already chatting with 6ft4 RR. RR was late 20’s, I was 36. I had no idea why he would be interested in me, I was older, three kids etc etc. I recall chatting with him a lot, however Mr Married swept me off my feet and RR ended up bit on a back burner. Throughout the years we made plans to meet, they were half arsed. They never happened. In October it will be six years since we first started chatting. We have both been in and out of relationships/ dating/ FWB scenarios and we’ve always kept in touch. We have always messaged, checked in, told the other how hot they look, flirted , wished the other was single when they weren’t. It is just one of those things that the longer it has got on, the more we have made it a joke that we have never met. We’ve chatted via text, sent videos chatting, what’s app, insta, FB (when I actually used it).

In Jan/ Feb time I saw him in the flesh in Tesco…in the local one and my heart leapt out my chest. Finally I had seen him in the flesh. Finally after over five years I’d seen the man that I had conversed with and felt was HOT. I was at the till and with my daughter and her friend, I recall watching him walk past and being really flustered. I lingered in the hope that I’d finally speak to him face to face and maybe give him a hug. He disappeared. As soon as I was home I messaged him and was like OMFG I just saw you, he was like, I was just messaging you to say the same thing. Again it was like the biggest tease. He was back living in a town 4 miles away from me after his relationship with his baby momma had fallen apart, again. However he was off to live by the sea for a bit as he had a job elsewhere and again it was like FUCK YOU.

My birthday a few weeks ago I got a lovely birthday message from him. The usual chat, flirt, catch up. Reality. Then earlier this week he messaged again. He’s back with his olds again nearby. Working in another town also close by. It was like WTAF. I did the we really do need to meet after all this time text. He said, yes we do. It continued like that. Flirt, chat, loose plans… as previous. However this time the plans evolved and we finally saw each other up close. He’s so tall, nearly a foot taller. Beardy, stocky, and just welllllll fuck me, he didn’t disappoint in the flesh. Cheekiest smile. He’s someone I’ve known yet don’t know and its appealing and fucked upon equal proportions.

I know I don’t want to just fuck about. I really do want to date. I knew seeing him would be something that in reality is probably nothing more than a fumble, fuck, kiss, whatever it was. It wasn’t a relationship. I’ve spoken of having fun vs meeting someone for dating and I really do want to meet the person I vibe off, fancy and want to fuck as well as walk, talk and all the other things you do when you’re dating. However I am a very sensual person. I’m tactile. I like kissing. I need that in my life. Given we were finally going to see each other face to face I did know that there would be something. I don’t think I was prepared for it though. When we kissed, it was awkward, there was desire, he’s so tall, it was strange and exciting, but initially craned necks, tiptoes etc. The kissing became intense. We spent hours kissing. It went from desire, passion, exploring to something else. The kissing became heartfelt. It came with kisses and touch and looks at each other that comes with knowing someone and feelings… you know kissing where feelings can appear. FFS. He looked at me and he said, you don’t kiss like this if there isn’t something. What do I say to that? I am not planning on getting feelings for him, I’m pretty certain that it’s a combination of desire, want, need and the fact that it’s been nearly six years in the build up. We were both like FFS what is this. I ran my fingers on his shoulder and kissed him and again he was like what is this. I said don’t worry I’m not going to fall in love with you………..yet. He’s rough, tough, they type of bloke that pins you down as he knows what he wants and knows you are smitten, but also the bloke that I know would just lay with me and kiss me like he did. However I am a realist and I know that ultimately he wants to fuck me. I’m not going to allow that to happen. SHOOT ME. I’m probably going to let it happen aren’t I?

Wish he knew it was you’re 🤷🙈

Damn you single and unsuccessfully dating…. Please don’t judge me.

Kissing is seriously the way into my heart…… 😳🤦

Part 19. Paid up

Friday night was my belated birthday get together with some of my favourite people. We don’t live in each others pockets. We probably irritate each other from time to time, however we genuinely care for each other and want the best for everyone. We don’t like people taking advantage, hurting or making our lives harder than necessary. We’re pretty honest with each other. And they are the kindest, friendliest, most sociable crew I could ask for. Throughout lockdown they’ve looked out for me, made sure we got together as soon as lockdown allowed that and I’m very thankful for them in my life. They arranged a lovely get together and my birthday gift is cash to put towards a paid dating app. They did this as they know the cost is prohibitive and puts me off, so them clubbing together and putting £80 towards a subscription really does make a difference. Plus they know I’m tight and don’t part with my hard earned cash easily 😂.

Intervention…… I love this. The thought and care from people who want the best for me ♥️🤩

I’m someone who wants the best for my money. I looked at e-harmony as that was their wish, however after some reviews highlighted the fact they take every single penny up front and that is not the best, I decided to look at other paid apps too. I was also a bit 👀😱 that 24 months is an option. I was hoping there was a three month option as surely that more realistic for me 🤞. And then I cried. I cried as the reality is I really may still be single in 6, 12 or 24 months. That made me really heartbroken. I cried as the reality of singledom is that it’s hard. It’s shit meeting and chatting to people and having to wade through chit chat when you are more than likely to meet and it’s not right. It’s a dent to your confidence for every shitty date. It’s hard to find people that you click with, that you meet and fancy and they also get you. I don’t want my friends to think they’ve made me sad. Completely the opposite. They care for me so much that they actually want me to find someone who is compatible, lovely, and treats me the way I deserve to be treated. However the reality is that I still have to come across someone on the sites at the same time as me that is ready to match with me and wants the same things. The only difference is that hopefully if you’re paying for a site you’ve more chance of actually meeting someone who wants it as much as you do. Well that’s the hope 🤞.

This was the options for e-harmony. I was shocked by the cost if I’m honest, and that they collect it up front and the reviews seem to show people being charged excessive amounts if they try to cancel within 14 days.

So e-harmony was binned off and I signed up to , I see adverts for it all the time, it seems reputable and the cost was less prohibitive. However they’re very clever and pop something up as you go to pay, so inadvertently I’ve paid double the cost for some sort of boost thing?!? I’ve signed up for six months as I feel this is a fair amount of time to at least give it a try. The app and website feels nicer than when I’d signed up for e-harmony (freebie that shows me nothing?!). The app is ok. Different to the freebies, more content, and I’ve got to have a proper peruse. The first thing I’ve noticed is that there are a lot of the same people from the freebies. So it makes me wonder, do people sign up for free and not use it as they can’t converse? Are they as disillusioned with the freebies as I am? Or is there genuine, attractive, people in common ? I’m hoping the latter. It’s not a great thought though when you see one of your besties dickhead ex’s on there and you think REALLY, IS THIS WHAT IM FACED WITH?! People who have success with these apps are out there. There is a part of me though that really is starting to think that maybe really it is me. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know I’ve said this before. Ultimately it does boil down to us and compatibility, the click, attractiveness…… And not just settling ! I do think that’s a big difference for me nowadays. In the past, any type of interest made me mind blown as I didn’t expect it. I’d never experienced that. Never felt attractive. What I’ve realised is that anyone can be interested, however genuine interest with connections and not just a quick fuck is hard to come by!

And yes I know some of you IRL know what I look like and who I am, but for those who don’t and follow me on my love_shelf twitter I like the semi-anon side of things. Anyhow how does my profile read?

So now the real work starts. The honest, not fucking about, as I’m (friends are) paying for it. My lovely Twitter friend asked what I wanted. My reply…..

The scary truth 🙌.

So let’s see where this leads….. And whilst I really do want to meet my one, please remind me in six months if I haven’t met him that I’ve tried both freebies and paid apps, that maybe I should just face facts! #OnTheShelf

Part 18. Lonely and making friends….. Sometimes even stalkers!

I met a male twitter friend for dinner Sunday and again Wednesday. I’m very conscious that in my mind he’s very much a friend however I’ve not had this actual conversation with him to establish that this is what it is. We’re both lonely at times. We are both single. We both have lots of time to ourselves. We have chatted on and off for a little while on twitter. Live approx an hour from each other and I suggested meeting up. There’s not been any flirting and it’s very much started and ended with a hug and nothing else. It’s made me wonder about building friendships into something else though. He’s an absolute sweetheart, we click, chat pretty easily and it’s nice to meet up with new friends. Let’s be honest it’s always good to make new friends. Yet there’s this part of me that thinks why is it so simple to meet men that I can become mates with yet there isn’t more than friendship? I suppose I should be careful writing this as potentially he may read it and I may have my wires completely crossed and I wouldn’t want to hurt him. He’s fab!  …… I pretty much write how I talk here so I’d have this conversation in person if it came up. It hasn’t though and I guess I’m skirting around it. Apologising to him now here and hopefully he understands 🤞.

I’ve always got on with men really well. There can be a fine line between being friendly and flirting and I recall being in a club with a male friend as a teenager and him calling me a prick tease. I was mortified. I didn’t think I was at all. I get on with most of my friends husband’s and partners, however there’s never a time that I look at them as more than my mates. I definitely wouldn’t meet them out alone for dinner though as the etiquette would suggest that’s improper.  I speak to many men, on twitter particularly. There’s definitely men I know find me attractive and there’s a knowledge that they would like to do stuff with me…as they’ve told me! Some of them if they were single, lived nearer etc would be a definite potential date. However there are many of them that simply in my mind are friends and we chat as we are maybe lonely, bored or as we’ve got things in common. Texting people you don’t really know on twitter is easy. It’s not like you really have an personal connections and you can offload pretty easily in my opinion. I’ve got IRL friends I can text, however the type of stuff we chat about on twitter can be so diverse.

This week I’ve had to lock my main twitter account and block a young man. We’d messaged, he’d chatted and made it clear he was interested however I thought I’d made it clear I thought he was a sweet young man but didn’t want him in any other way. Stupidly I’d given him my no before I realised it was a bad idea. I thought I was keeping an eye on him and trying to boost him up by chatting with him. Looking out for him and generally being kind. How bloody wrong could I be. Worst thing I did was allow him to have my no. It was incessant. Constantly questioning me, asking my plans, what I’m wearing, could I send a pic…I was sent pics I’d put on twitter or what’s app status sent back to me with comments, asking for face time, give him a chance etc. I kept saying no and thought I’d made it clear I was not interested like that yet it continued until the point where I had to block on twitter, Instagram, what’s app…. He then messaged on another no, also blocked. I was advised of being mean, basically then told he wasn’t good enough and the insinuation that me refusing to chat would mean he’d do something to himself.

Borderline stalker?

So I might be a bit lonely. I might text and be friendly. I may flirt at times. However if I make it clear that’s not what I want, I feel that should be respected rather than pushed at in the hope that pushing will break me and make me give in…it won’t! I’ve also realised that I sometimes need to spell things out. The guy who wanted to meet this week for a night in a hotel I messaged and said to him that actually I really didn’t want that, that I’d be more than happy to meet for a chat and a date but I didn’t want the hook up (the irony) if only he’d matched last Friday he could have been my Friday afternoon snack instead of the one I did have fun with! He’s so fit too. However that’s kind of the reason that I made it clear no fun to him as he’s so good looking I felt that IRL I could not attract someone like him and instead the Fri night fun guy was more equally matched as he was less attractive. 🤷. Yeah you work out how my head works ?

And I did ask Fri night fun guy if he did want an actual date…. His bumble says he wants a relationship but hey I won’t read into that too much 😂.
This is the guy I’ve turned down…. That body 😈🍆. And I’ve questioned why he’d be matching with me rather than just going with it!
And this is the response from Thu night man who wanted to meet up (above pic)…. Maybe he’s not a fuck boy after all?!?

If you don’t see me on my main twitter, it’s as I’ve decided to have a little time away, the beauty of wordpress is that this uploads and links to my account so I don’t have to do the leg work, so I apologise now if you comment and I don’t reply yet!

Part 17. Fuck it!

I’ve recently had an amazing week away. I’ve relaxed, not really stressed, apart from the previous week’s wobble about how I look I’ve generally been pretty ok! It’s amazing how being a bit kinder to yourself and being surrounded by positive vibes had made things much more mind manageable. However I do think I need to make some lifestyle changes again to feel a little comfier in my clothes.

Given that, I went back on tinder when I got back home. My confidence was massively boosted to have several matches. Especially when a few of these actually messaged as well as matching. Who could have thought it?! Most unusual. So Friday, one match, S, basically laid cards on table and suggested a bit of fun. I’ve been so anti fun and determined to find someone, so as that’s not worked out I thought fuck it. Plans were made and I basically had an awesome hour of passion with S. Yep, it’s different to what I was hoping for however it made me feel fucking awesome. There were no expectations. There were rules. And I actually let my hair down. It felt like I was being desired. I didn’t worry about what I looked like, how my tummy rolls looked, etc. I was actually relaxed, liberated and had some very, very good sex. I said to him I don’t do this as a rule, and he said maybe it isn’t a one off. He actually messaged asking after me yesterday, and whilst I’m under no illusion that potentially it was just a ONS, I’m actually pretty chilled with it. That told I don’t think I want to get into a habit of meeting men and it leading to sex and then not hearing from them again. I’ve matched with another guy who I find massively attractive however I’m pretty certain that would just be about sex and I’ve made the decision that actually I’m not going to pursue that, as for some reason that doesn’t feel right to pursue. My gut tells me something isn’t right with that situation.

Sex is something I really enjoy. So when I don’t have it, it’s something I absolutely crave. Having that little taste of it last week again has at least allowed my needs to be met for now. Given that though, I don’t want to feel the need to be ravished again in six months and go through this whole debate with myself of the rights and wrongs again if I’m still single (let’s be honest I probably will be 🤦). So I keep looking at sites to explore sex toys and see if that really would fulfill my needs in-between getting any long term sex with someone I want to be with. It’s another world. My experience is really only every having gone to Ann summers (shop and party). Having a couple of products over the years, and rarely using them. This was when I was married though and we had an awesome sex life so we didn’t tend to use toys. So given now that I’m very much single, that I’m possibly going to be single still, maybe the toy market will keep me on my toes so I don’t make any rash decisions. hit me up with your recommendations! 😉

I do go full circle with this feeling good about myself, to wondering what is wrong with me (nothing). I noticed the ex (R) popped up on what’s app with a pic of what I assume is his new gf. Despite that finishing a year ago I still think how the fuck can he pull it out the bag and I’m still here like Helllllllloooooooo 👋. However, knowing his track record he literally was a serial dater who moved on within a very short space of time and Although he had relationships there had been plenty of them. Anyhow he’s now blocked and deleted, not for any other reason than I don’t need to see the past…….. The future is definitely brighter!

Part 16. A little self doubt never hurt anyone……

It bloody does though, doesn’t it. We do doubt ourselves and criticise don’t we? Despite what we try to do, it happens. And after last blog, today I’ve been critical of how I look (to myself) and hard on myself because I’ve realised that in seven years of being single (post marriage) I’ve never had a fella to bring away to my family week at my dad’s. So I’m laying here wondering if I’ll ever come away and have someone with me as my partner rather than just with my kids. Don’t get me wrong, there is no one in my family that questions my relationship status. No one makes me feel different for being single. Every summer we travel to see my dad in Devon for a lovely family week, cousins, aunts, uncles ask joining up travelling to meet together, it’s a hive of love. However every year I wonder if there may be a time that I may be bringing a partner with me. Every time it never happens. Every year I think, maybe next year.

So lucky to visit our family in such a stunning location! This is my dad’s back garden.

I didn’t think I did put the hope that this would happen in my mind as much as I have done if I’m honest. I don’t tell my family anything about dating unless there is something that has meant I’m seeing someone regularly, so therefore they’ve known about two men in seven years, both having gone nowhere. I don’t tell them as they don’t ask. I don’t raise it in conversation as there’s nothing to tell, dating has been generally hopeless, and I’m certainly not going to tell them about past rendezvous. There’s this part of me though that wants to be saying ‘oh this year I’ll be bringing XYZ’. The reality is that I crave what others have but the longer I go without the more I think it’s never going to happen. So here’s the self doubt bit. I’ve said when I was just happy having ‘fun’, I often was pissed off that a bloke didn’t want anything more than this ‘fun’. I haven’t liked that I was good enough to shag but not to date. I was good enough to date though. Just not date those fun time Frankie’s. I was choosing people who have me a different perception, they had their fun, they fucked off. So how do I stop the self doubt? Maybe to try stop beating myself up about how I look… I’ve got plenty of Dm’s that tell me what I catch I am, how attractive I am, funny, smart etc… But it’s not the same as a real life person looking you in the eyes and saying it. So I need to look in that mirror and start telling myself just that. I AM GOOD ENOUGH!

Part 15. Learning to like myself the way I look.

I’ve just seen an Instagram post where a lady I’ve followed for years has put a pic up of herself when she’s lost tonnes of weight Vs now when she’s her normal self. I think she’s amazing for doing that. Showing her ‘best version’ and her ‘real version’. We all put our best version out there as much as we can but recently I’ve noticed things like this that are hands down the much realer version.

I’ve battled my weight my whole life. Always being heavier, curvier than most friends growing up. Definitely different shape compared to my siblings. I’ve had a love hate relationship with food and dieting for as long as I can recall. Just prior to lockdown I’d stopped going to (SW) slimming world. I’d been at target for a few years but was struggling to keep within the 3lb over target you’re allowed to go without having to pay again. As a result I was having horrific toilet troubles, bloated tummy, my well-being centred very much around what I weighed and I was probably obsessed. Didn’t help that I was again single and probably generally down on myself anyhow. When I stopped going, sure my eating habits altered again. I am not keen on breakfast, never have been, and in fact I generally prefer to graze then eat later. Totally the opposite of what you’re encouraged to do on SW. I know I don’t make the best of food choices at times however what I choose to eat often makes me feel less guilty than before when I’d be so cruel to myself, or eat every syn as I hadn’t had them all, therefore choosing extra chocolate, and snacks that generally I wouldn’t have. I never eat chocolate daily usually, so why, whilst dieting?

Only thing is recently I have started looking at myself in the mirror more. I don’t like my body. I’ve never liked it, with the exception of my legs (some of you will know this from my main twitter regular outing of my legs 😂). Obviously I look at my face in the mirror as I don’t really have a choice, I don’t mind my face, in fact I’m happy with what is there, it’s a lovely smiley, freckled face, with a lovely tan to it presently. What I’ve noticed though when I see my body in the mirror is that I actively belittle it, say to myself how awful it is, how fat my tummy is once again and I have to tell myself to stop that. It’s unkind to myself. It’s not helpful to my well-being and totally goes against what I’m generally trying to feed to my brain with positive thoughts and definitely not how I’d respond to others if they were saying that to themselves. I’ve realised I’m saying to myself see this is why your dating is unsuccessful, it’s because your curvy and have put some weight on again and men don’t like that! The reality is, my dating has no correlation to what my curves are like, yet more to do with the scene itself at the moment.

Legs for the win!

I’ve written a few posts about the unsuccessful dates, however at no point have I ever thought it was anything to do with men not fancying me, more to do with us not clicking, or having different ideas on what we want. So why when I’m faced with a mirror do I look in it and equate myself to not being worthy of being dated? In fact, given my twitter dm’s daily have men tell me how attractive, sexy and how much they’d love to date me just shows I’m again being hard on myself unjustly. At the end of the day, sure there needs to be some physical attraction, but if there’s no personality connection then really lust and desire are going to be just a meaningless encounter aren’t they!

Let’s be kinder to ourselves and others!

So from now, I’m going to try and start telling myself the nice things I see in the mirror, rather than berating myself again. I’m going to try and embrace the lovely compliments from others… Even if they sometimes come with an undertone and sexual desire….! I really do have to say that as a person I am for the most part at ease with who I am but the dating fails have got to stop me knocking myself once again and remind myself is not always about me! And maybe today on #DUND #DressUPNotDown over on twitter I’ll be less critical before I post a picture… Hey maybe today is even time for the bikini shot 🙈….but let’s be honest, one step at a time!!