Well it’s been a little while since I last wrote a blog. I’ve not had the time or inclination really. Works beyond busy. Those who were under the illusion that lockdown 3 enforced school staff into doing nothing and extending their holiday’s were mistaken. So I’ve had focus and drive in lots of ways. No time to ponder more than usual about being single.
I really backed off from the sites. My match subscription ends on 21st February. Six months with no normality has affected the dating, however on top it’s a pretty pants pool! Trying to keep conversation’s alive when some people are not really into walking mean that they just drift off, as there’s no hope to meet up. The fetish men have appeared in force over last few months too. The ones who keep pursuing sex talk on top. I know we’re enclosed and if single, abiding by rules, then totally not getting any, however I don’t need a conversation to just turn to that within about three texts!
I’m definitely in a position of very little tolerance. As you know, I’m tactile. I need touch and intimacy but I really don’t want to fall into the rabbit hole. I think that if I really do start to date properly, when it’s allowed again, I’m maybe going to come across quite negatively? I’m not saying rule out a flirt with an innuendo…but basically if you’re asking to wank over my pictures, I’m a bit like, errrrr, why ask? Do it if you’re going to, I can’t stop you, however I don’t think I really want to know unless we’re dating! Am I wrong in thinking this? Fantasise if you’re chatting me up, but don’t tell me!
After the build up to Christmas, new year etc and being alone, I think I’ve definitely tried to look from the perspective that I’ve done it again. I can’t be sure I won’t be alone again at times and I’ve got to accept that. If you think you’re going to go through life not accepting things like being single and then you do end up for a prolonged period then that’s what makes it harder. Through Summer I was like oooh maybe this Christmas it will be with someone and ultimately that’s what made me so sad when I wasn’t as I was so let down. It wasn’t even the actual being on my own part that hurt. It was the knowing I’d sold myself an image of what life should look like. Trying to knock down perception of what normal looks like isn’t something I can be bothered with. My normal is not someone else’s. Me being alone every other weekend is something I’ve done for many years, and even when I was dating I spent many of these weekends alone. My journey of discovery, acceptance and trying to keep positive will ultimately be how my path continues.
Ooooh … And I nearly forgot I got an actual proper apology in the end from W… “Never meant to hurt you”, so on from his admitting he was seeing someone and apology mean’s the friendship is just about intact. I’d love to say for a fact that there will be no revisiting old ground as ultimately he’s a cheating prick, but I can’t deny when I see him online, my heart thumps despite his abysmal behaviour. What I can say for a fact is that in the place where I am right now, it’s not being revisited!
So lovely people who read this… Don’t know who you all are, but as always I appreciate you! Roll on brighter days!