I don’t know if everyone is as good as me when it comes to putting up barriers. Reasons why you can’t do things. Excuses of why things are the way they are. In the last couple of months whilst I have been blogging, I have become more aware of things like this and I am not 100% of why I put barriers up, apart from to prevent me from getting hurt.
Today I’ve had such a mixture of emotions. My ex-husband has different things happening in life and it will mean that my kids are likely to change from the 50/50 split we currently have to them being here every evening. I have mixed emotions about it but one of the biggest overwhelming, perhaps selfish thoughts was about how this will impact on me and my life. I’m a nomad, I do what I want when I want, on my own. There are times where it’s lonely as hell, yet other times where it is the calm sanctuary that I need. The reality is that it gives me freedom and the ability to date, have someone over should I wish and also for me to not come home if I don’t want to.
Now those of you who have read my previous blogs know that this isn’t an every time I’m alone thing, however there are times that I have fully taken of advantage of my me time. When I realised that for potentially the next year this may not be an option I felt a block, a barrier appear and I could feel my brain tumbling into dating becoming another barrier. I could feel myself building yet more reasons why I’m undateable. Why no one would want to be with me. Another excuse as to why things are not the perfect romanticised view of life.
I’ve spoken before about not settling, and I’m not prepared to do that, but I’ve also got to stop building non-existent barriers. Of course I’m dateable, I’m fit as fuck, as some of my friends have told me, I’m sexy, I’m kind, I’m caring, I’m hilarious. I’m very much dateable….The reason dating isn’t or hasn’t been right has been because the men are not the right fit. Or I am not their right fit. Not anything to do with being undateable.
I do think the barrier is because of the dents, the constant feeling of it feeling shit when it’s another shit experience. It’s only natural to want to not make ourselves vulnerable, however there needs to be a vulnerability to us so that we can grow. I’ve equated the kids being back every night as a reason as why someone wouldn’t want to date me. Let’s be honest, if the man I meet is only wanting to have a relationship with me and keep separate from my kids then actually he isn’t for me. Initially I’m not prepared to overlap, as that isn’t fair on anyone, especially if things don’t work out. However my kids are the biggest part of my life, alongside my job, friends and family. Anyone who really is for me, will take that part of me. Won’t they??
I’ve had two guys I’ve properly dated in seven years, both of which have featured in the blog. N (Mr Married) stayed here, we did things altogether now and again, however this was soon after me and kids dad split and there was elements of kids knowing he was pissing me about that they understandably hated. He did try and make an effort with all of them though. R hardly met the kids in 19 months of me dating him. He stayed over once when kids were here, never met any of my family and barely met my friends. My barrier became my kids. I kept them out of things with R because of their experience with N. I’ve joked that they have been natural contraception. The reality is, I’m really not prepared to introduce them to just anyone. That’s not fair on anyone. The kids have knowledge that I date. I don’t tell them the in’s and out’s. I don’t make a secret of me having apps and chatting with people. I think they do just want the best for me.
So maybe the barrier that may appear when they are back here every night is the barrier that is necessary. The barrier that weeds out the bad… and lets me find the one who thinks I’m worth pursuing?