Part 44. Where’s your head at?

https://youtu.be/5rAOyh7YmEc

I’ve had a week away at my dad’s. Spending time with my kids, my extended family and my dad and step mum. It always comes with a bit of a health warning being with family doesn’t it. You all have your own shit going on, you’re thrown together in circumstances that might not be comfortable for you all, all dealing with your own life and stuff that’s in your head. Despite the changes for me and what’s been going on with girls, it’s actually been a joyful week. Before I went I was overthinking so much. Worrying about what people might think about the situation. I quickly realised we’ve all got our own stuff. No one really is that bothered by what others think, except for ourselves. I read this recently, and it does make lots of sense.

This was the first year not one person asked about dating. I’ve been going down to family week and events on my own for the last eight years. I’ve always hoped that at some point I’d have my date with me on holiday, being part of my family. It’s not happened with anyone yet, and this year I was more than ok about it once I was there, as I’m certain when the time is right it will happen. My guy since May is still there in touch. Not seen each other for a couple of weeks due to time away but this week is my birthday and we’re planning on seeing each other then. The kids have asked me out for dinner so I’ve had to change plans. I thought I’d see them early on but there wasn’t any communication until the other day when the said they’d really like to take me out, so I’ve snatched that opportunity. Awkward as I can’t ask Mr May along as that opportunity just doesn’t present itself yet. It’s the kids reaching out, and to bring a guy into that will just upset that aesthetic more than it needs to. Therefore the birthday will be a mixed bag of going with the flow and changing the day out I’d planned until the next day! Weather is looking great so beach trip 🤞

So how do we compromise with kids, and new relationship? Kids for sure come first but there are things I know I’ve done in past that has made the kids question that. Especially when Mr Gold medal was on the scene. Add friends into this mix and how do we get balance? I’m sociable and love my girls catch ups over my two friendship groups. I don’t think it’s ready to get balance right and I guess luckily Mr May hasn’t been about on any weekends since we met so it hasn’t been an option to spend time with him. Potentially though this next weekend, is the first weekend since we met in May that we should both be child free. And if this actually works out, we should have the potential to have some time every other weekend. So unless I’m actually away somewhere with him, the balance of girly get togethers shouldn’t be affected. I’m good at balancing these I hope 😳

So, where is my head at? Honestly, after a pretty lovely week away, is in an ok place. I didn’t like dropping the kids off and the middle one not thanking me or saying a proper goodbye but can I change that, no! Am I ok about having a few days alone since with no focus? actually yeah, they’re no different to any of my other child free days/nights I’ve had over the years. Am I looking forward to seeing Mr May, Actually pretty excited to see him again and see what could happen in our child free time if it works out. And you know what, if it doesn’t work out the weekends we thought, then what can I do, but accept it! Or change something! Life isn’t perfect for anyone, but I’m ok with rolling with it this week, (next week might be a different story but hey ho🤣).

Part 43. Hey that’s nearly how old I am ðŸ˜³

I’m 43 in a fortnight. 43! How did that happen. Blink and I missed 20s and 30s. I spent my 20s in long term relationship with my ex husband, so actually was preoccupied with kids and building a family life..30s were spent in that family then giving single mum life a go. Failed dating but growing inside and learning who I am maybe? Still, how do the years seem to pass so quickly and we find ourselves sometimes having those moments where we think fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! I know I got to 30 and was wobbly. And then those wobbles were what upset that Apple cart with marriage I guess. I was like what have I achieved, never realising back then that actually I’d already achieved a lot. Through those years I was my own worst critic. I saw very little in myself and had such low expectations of myself. That mirrored I guess on the unsuccessful dating. I’ve taken a bit more of a chill pill on me, who I am, achievements etc however at the moment I feel lost I guess. I’m loving my job, despite it not always being an easy ride, but I am passionate and know it’s my true path. I’m in love with what I have achieved with the house, (so far) and in my mind I’ve got a few ideas of how to make further improvements at some point (postcode lottery win please 🤞). However I’m not sure how to get to a good place with everything else.

It’s that what happens? We get happy with one element, but something else isn’t quite right a bit like decorating, always something to work on?

My focus is trying to make sure I’m me, and that me is seen by those around me that I love and care for. However I’m struggling. Middle child in particular is not communicating and I’m trying to get the fine line of balance right by giving her space but also trying to communicate effectively. Dangling olive branches that aren’t as well received as I’d hoped. It’s tough. It’s heartbreaking. And I’m not ok about it. I’m back to having endless days alone. Back to 50/50 , so that means sometimes 5 days and nights completely alone and last week I struggled. I broke up from school so had a lot of time to think with little focus. The sun shone, I read, I sunbathed, but there’s something in me that’s lost. I was lucky to have a friend invite me out on the Sunday but that was after having spent time living in my own overthinking brain. Throw hormones in, covid rates skyrocketing around us, my back being beyond horrifically sore again I’m just a tit and then get myself in a pickle.

The guy I met in May, I’ve still been seeing. However it’s not been in what my mind was hoping I guess. Finding someone who makes you laugh and smile is fabulous, but when it’s so hard to try and get time that fits in for both of you, work, life, kids, is hard not to become defeatist. I’ve tried hard to go with it is what it is, but my hope of seeing him a few times a week and getting weekends together has not come to fruition, yet. I’m struggling to get things in a diary and stuff to look forward to, and for me, I suppose I do need that. I can tell myself each day as it comes, but there is nothing more exciting than making plans and working together to have fun, is there? I’m hoping that as this next month goes on and schedule change, perhaps the weekends or extra days may come about? I’m scared though. What if it doesn’t? What if we can’t see each other and get together any more than we do now? I guess I’ve just got to try and chill. He surprised me last week by just turning up and treating me to some lovely piercings that he’d got me. That really boosted him up in my mind as I was feeling shit and like I wasn’t going to see him and we then had a fab day, but then communication between him and his ex hadn’t quite worked out, so I was a bit meh as it meant the day after I thought we may spend together, again wasn’t meant to be. He has his son. But kids do come first, they really need to!

On top of this, and trying to get relationship on track with my girls I can’t help but think I’m far too complex for everyone. I mean I’m not someone with a bestie. I’m a sociable and friendly person, and sure I’ve fabulous friends in two groups. I look at myself though and all I really want is my family, and I’m hundreds of miles from them, and then my own kids are hit and miss with me. I just wish I felt I belong…..

So I suppose being an overthinker I’m not so good at saying ahhh fuck it! And you know what, hopefully it works, he’s lovely, kind, caring, a knobhead too. What will be will be.  It would just be good to actually have some stability, and think yes this is what life should be like! 🤞 Best get back to reading this and learning more about not giving a fuck.

Part 42. Heartbreak and hurt.

If you read my last blog, I was talking about my family situation and how I was feeling, but also that I was debating whether I’m actually a self centred person.

I’ve been on the biggest rollercoaster recently. The emotional baggage that’s been a noose around my neck. The tears of hurt. The frustration of feeling I’ve got it all wrong and failed. The negative thoughts making me question my worth, my hard work doing this alone being called into disrepute. Yet when I look deep into my soul I know that I really do try my best. And I hold my hands up and say that sometimes that best has not been good enough. I know that I have made mistakes as a mum and unfortunately I’ve had to learn the hard way from that.

And this is how my heart has felt.

I’m discovering that as much as I’m pretty good communicator within my job, that what I succeed with there, I definitely lack at home. A big part of that is from the barriers from the kids. However I must also put my hands up and take responsibility for the fact that as much as I’ve sometimes tried to build and then repair, I’ve not always got the tone right. And the sad reality is that actually money talks in my kids world as that’s not something that’s a barrier within their other home. My reality however is that I’ve worked hard to progress, to develop, to learn and my chosen path is not a well paid profession. I earn below the national average, but I do my job as I’m passionate about helping and supporting others. Something now needs to give and my priority will have to be me! The reason I mentioned salary is that when I split with their dickhead dad, I walked away..I paid him money to walk away from our home, and I never took a penny from him as we were doing 50/50. This despite the fact that he was always a good earner towards end of our marriage, and I’d expect that he’s closer to double the national average wage! Since December when the kids have been with me 12/14 nights, I’ve been given a nominal amount by him. I’ve looked it up, and if I’d gone via child maintenance I would have been entitled to 3x what he’s paid. So herein lies a big part of the problem. I’ve allowed my stubborness and not initially wanting anything from him to impact in our ability to have the things that may actually have made a difference to me and the kids, and meant I could say yes to treats rather than the no that’s most of the time been the case. So like I say, money does definitely sway my kids! And do you know what, I’m not actually bitter about the £40k plus over the last 8 years that I could have claimed for our children, but I am bitter that this has impacted on the relationship that my children have with money, goods and what they then think life looks like. I’m bitter that my empathetic nature has not been caught by them, instead they blame me that I’ve not taught them… remember its thought empathy is caught, not taught!

I’ve kind of disappeared off grid, I’ve not properly caught up with friends since weeks before I was told they were going to live with their dad. I’ve tried to deal with these emotions alone, or via video calls with my dad. And then when I finally got to see my family and hug them and just have them close enough to actually see my hurt, I’ve still not fully allowed them in…as they’ve all got their own shit going on! That’s life. What I discovered though from chatting to my sister in law was how useful restorative questions can be. And whilst they’re too late to prevent the changes that are now imminent, maybe they’ll help in building greater understanding in all relationships with family, friends and partner. 🤞

And in amongst that… I’ve actually got beyond two dates with someone! In fact I’ve had handfuls of dates with the same guy over the course of more than a month! Miracles do happen after all! Obviously that’s really early days, and given everything that’s going on in my personal life, we can only take each day as it comes, especially with my emotional rollercoaster lifestyle. But hey, I’m less on the shelf than I was.

Maybe my luck is about to change after all…

Keep smiling.

Thanks for reading.

Part 41. Me, me, me

When plans changed last year and living situation changed with the kids I spoke to them about my worry of going from having 50/50 shared access, to them sleeping at mine 12/14 nights. For 7 years we’d done 50/50 with our own space. My time to me with no questions asked from kids if I’m not about, as they weren’t with me. At the time it was changing I did say, what if I start dating. This week my middle child, basically told me that equated to me putting myself first and wanting to bring random men home above them. I was dumbstruck that my words had been twisted and made into something they weren’t. I was concerned that if I went from not having the shared access like we had, that our lives would overlap in a way that wasn’t constructive for any of us, particularly as me and middle one do clash. I did have in back of my mind that in past I’ve had freedom to have a guy back should I wish for a cuppa… Or whatever I wanted, but obviously with pandemic and dating being as it is that’s not been something I’ve actively done. I’ve wondered if I really was me me me, or whether me trying to say how I feel to my kids and share parts of what I was concerned about was then used as ammunition by their dad.

We’re all a bit self centered, a bit me me me at times aren’t we. I’m wondering at the moment about life, relationships, friendships if there have been too many times that I have been me me me, but then completely the opposite with very little in the middle. I suppose I’ve been pondering things as life again has thrown up more stuff and is about to change again!

Unless you’ve spent many days and nights alone and adjusted to that pattern I’m not sure how I can make anyone understand. And in retrospect maybe I should never have said anything about my concerns and merely just accepted what was happening. However in the last few years I’ve worked at trying to accept my alone time. During the lockdown’s having to accept that there were many days and nights of complete aloneness. How do you explain that and the feeling that arise from it to people who don’t have that… And my kids don’t have that!

I thought finally standing up for myself and actually trying out some healthy selfishness would mean things would come right, however actually maybe doing that in the long term was the worst thing I can do, as now my reality will be that I’m going to have a 50/50 relationship with my son being here, but my girls have decided they’ll live with their dad full time.

I’m scared, sad, in turmoil I guess, financially really uncertain, as my child benefit etc stops and I guess I’ve become dependent on that to pay for things we need, including paying the mortgage. However the biggest thing is, I’m heartbroken. I don’t think I’ve felt a pain like finding out they’re not wanting to live with me. It’s beyond anything I’ve ever felt and I’m not sure how anything will get back on track. It’s not even like the pain of a relationship deteriorating.

On the flip side I wonder if us not seeing each other so much will build our relationship? I can only hope for that? I’ve been fed up of being taken advantage of, bullied, name called and used. These last six months I’ve been treated way beyond the way a mum or an ex partner should be treated. Retrospect is a funny thing ..I wonder what the future holds though!

Part 40. With a little bit of luck (and good judgement?)

I caught up with some girlfriends at the weekend. Haven’t caught up in so long. Weather was nice so it meant that we could have six of us outside nattering and just generally having a laugh along with some drink. It was effortless. Fun and just generally so nice that on Sunday I felt in a bit of a come down if I’m honest. I’ve waited so long to catch up and do things that it was a bit of a rollercoaster. It’s made me think about the alone time again. I get through it in whatever means possible but I really want, maybe need, to have more than just the alternate weekends with a walk booked in. Knowing that the possibility of doing things again is now on the table it also feels a little overwhelming. https://youtu.be/1VbXxyHRQbM

Anyhow, I digress. I was asked about dating. By one of the girls, I lied…I said to one of the girls that I was always on dates, so not true! I’ve had walks on and off over the last year, but I’m also in no means a serial dater. I didn’t divulge too much, nothing to tell I guess, however I did say how let down I’ve felt by the experience of many men. Many of the experience’s I’ve plotted here over the last nine months or so. However I have left bits and bobs out along the way. I’ve become embarrassed at the amount of dates that have led to nothing. And I know I shouldn’t feel like that as I’ve always said it’s that want rather than need to meet someone that’s ultimately why I’m single. I still just can’t let myself settle for something that’s not right. However I also got to get over being so embarrassed if things don’t pan out after I’ve told friends I’m going on, or have had a date. At the end of the day I guess there’s no right or wrong way, but not telling people cos I’m embarrassed in case it goes nowhere Vs not telling people as I’m terrified I’ve tempted fate is just silly! I’ve got to stop berrating myself and just go with the flow.

I can’t recall if I spoke of manifestations last time. My friend believes I need to open my mind to the universe, make space in my wardrobe, bed and buy new towels for a potential future partner. I took manifestations at a different level. I believe I’m better than settling, and the people along the way that haven’t worked just prove this. My friend believes if I think they’re a dick then they’ll be a dick! I agree. And if there’s that vibe, then I’m not going to pursue it. However I have also been manifesting that the man I meet is honest, attractive to me, and single. There’s not many people I come across that I get that vibe from, however I’m pretty certain that’s going to change…I’m manifesting the good energy. And as recently I did have a very good date……..I’m hopeful there will be further good ones!

As ever… Still smiling 😍… The cleavage makes me happy 😜

And if you’re in the market for a book about manifesting, this is an easy read
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1788171829/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_N9M657ZEAB9EJFE18DAS?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

Part 39. Everyday is a winding road

Every day is a new day, with twists, turns. Who knows where it’s headed. Now that the days have seemed brighter, they’re longer, and restrictions are lifting so you can see others, it does feel like the long winding, hard going days may be a bit of a distant memory. I’m under no illusion that things are going to be up and down and that the pandemic is far from over. I’m optimistic that things have shifted. I know having lived those long dark alone days and nights have been miserable at times however I hope that next winter if we are put in another lockdown, isolated, that I’ll have enough structure and coping skills to just get on.

Dating has not really been a priority, however I have been on and off sites chatting to people. Sadly I’ve realised that the people I seem to attract, agree really the people I don’t want. When I say that, I don’t mean because of personality, looks or that type of thing.. More in their approach. I still seem to attract men that go “wow, there’s something sexy about you, fancy a fuck!?”. Now maybe 35 year old me who was inexperienced and new at dating found that maybe a little lovely to be desired. However 42 year old me finds it a massive turn off. Recently matched with a guy, swapped no. Played text tennis, he suggested a call, I said yes, then he couldn’t find time for call, suggested a walk but then said he couldn’t find time for walk. I said let’s just leave it. Didn’t correspond and then he messaged back on the dating site. I asked why given I’d said it was best to leave it. Then he text me, suggested I send him my address as I was home alone and he could do with some fun. Honestly, to say I found it degrading is an understatement. He couldn’t afford me time for the call or walk he’d suggested, however he could afford me the time for a fuck 🤦. I told him this over text, he called me and I basically told him how low this was, especially after you’d chatted, told him you wanted to date and that you’re not looking for FWB/hook up. He was shocked, I was brutally honest, raw in my voice with how I felt and I think he was surprised. He thanked me for giving him some context. He said goodbye and wished me good luck along the way. He’s just sent a voicenote to thank me for actually chatting, giving him some food for thought. Maybe he will consider how he talks to the next woman and really considers what he actually wants? I know I’m not going to change men, and I know it’s not all men, however who thinks this is the way women want or deserve to be treated?

I have been open minded and trying to keep positive about the men I interact with. I know there’s such a lot to consider when meeting someone, it’s not just looks, but really this type of conversation is just a red flag. When you just slither into the gutter with the conversation, you can expect that really it is going to be the underpinning of any basis of where you then head. I had a date recently. He would twist the conversation subtlety to innuendo or just imagine type of chat, and I made it really clear that was not what I was after. We spent a long time chatting, video and calls as well as phonecalls but after he’d overstepped again, I said look I’m ok with chatting like that if we’re getting but we’ve met once… Can we just get to know each other first. Obviously he apologises, then no calls, no video chat and a couple of texts, no reply to a text and then a bullshit excuse of why he couldn’t meet this weekend for another date. So my thinking is that he actually really only wanted a fuck too but just was using the pretence of getting to know me in the hope I’d spread.

I really have found this last year plus incredibly lonely at times…especially those long periods when it’s my child free time. I can’t imagine how hard it is alone 24/7. Whilst now may not be the right time to match, chat, get to know someone, at least it really has given me those real thoughts about what it is that I do and don’t want. I know I do miss intimacy, hugs and just having that special person, however I’m also very thankful that my friends listen, chat and be my crutch.

So whilst every day is a winding road, “Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine” https://youtu.be/khrx-zrG460

…still smiling…

Part 38. Lockdown=Groundhog day

Well it’s been a little while since I last wrote a blog. I’ve not had the time or inclination really. Works beyond busy. Those who were under the illusion that lockdown 3 enforced school staff into doing nothing and extending their holiday’s were mistaken. So I’ve had focus and drive in lots of ways. No time to ponder more than usual about being single.

I really backed off from the sites. My match subscription ends on 21st February. Six months with no normality has affected the dating, however on top it’s a pretty pants pool! Trying to keep conversation’s alive when some people are not really into walking mean that they just drift off, as there’s no hope to meet up. The fetish men have appeared in force over last few months too. The ones who keep pursuing sex talk on top. I know we’re enclosed and if single, abiding by rules, then totally not getting any, however I don’t need a conversation to just turn to that within about three texts!

I’m definitely in a position of very little tolerance. As you know, I’m tactile. I need touch and intimacy but I really don’t want to fall into the rabbit hole. I think that if I really do start to date properly, when it’s allowed again, I’m maybe going to come across quite negatively? I’m not saying rule out a flirt with an innuendo…but basically if you’re asking to wank over my pictures, I’m a bit like, errrrr, why ask? Do it if you’re going to, I can’t stop you, however I don’t think I really want to know unless we’re dating! Am I wrong in thinking this? Fantasise if you’re chatting me up, but don’t tell me!

After the build up to Christmas, new year etc and being alone, I think I’ve definitely tried to look from the perspective that I’ve done it again. I can’t be sure I won’t be alone again at times and I’ve got to accept that. If you think you’re going to go through life not accepting things like being single and then you do end up for a prolonged period then that’s what makes it harder. Through Summer I was like oooh maybe this Christmas it will be with someone and ultimately that’s what made me so sad when I wasn’t as I was so let down. It wasn’t even the actual being on my own part that hurt. It was the knowing I’d sold myself an image of what life should look like. Trying to knock down perception of what normal looks like isn’t something I can be bothered with. My normal is not someone else’s. Me being alone every other weekend is something I’ve done for many years, and even when I was dating I spent many of these weekends alone. My journey of discovery, acceptance and trying to keep positive will ultimately be how my path continues.

Ooooh … And I nearly forgot I got an actual proper apology in the end from W… “Never meant to hurt you”, so on from his admitting he was seeing someone and apology mean’s the friendship is just about intact. I’d love to say for a fact that there will be no revisiting old ground as ultimately he’s a cheating prick, but I can’t deny when I see him online, my heart thumps despite his abysmal behaviour. What I can say for a fact is that in the place where I am right now, it’s not being revisited!

So lovely people who read this… Don’t know who you all are, but as always I appreciate you! Roll on brighter days!

And like I always say… Still smiling 😍

Part 37. Priority 1….is me!

I have read so many tweets recently about putting yourself first. Prioritising, attuning. There are so many of us that when we’re looking at dating, prioritise that over the rest of our lives. It becomes a way of entertainment. Filling a void. Even more so during lockdown’s where there is little to do apart from scroll the internet and if you’re a dater then the apps for sure form a part of that, (or maybe that’s just me). After the last guy I chatted to, I had no oomph to even attempt to chat with anyone else…1. what’s the point, we’re in a pandemic and 2. Easier to not be chatting to several people. 3… Seriously what’s the point?

I know lockdown 1 was a success for many people when they were dating, bubbling up etc. I almost feel I’ve had FOMO from not bubbling, as it seems to be what you hear from all of these single people or people who don’t live with any adult. However I’m not sure that actually everyone has done that. I have had a bubble void before you could even choose it as an option. Not like I have been particularly successful in dating and relationships since my marriage ended. In fact 7 years ago today, I took over the mortgage on this house myself, dated in-between…. Yet am ultimately in same position I was back then. Single… The difference is that I really have gone through times of making myself a priority and other times letting myself become just a being. Throughout my little rollercoaster and FOMO I guess I’m realising there’s more to settling, more to making friendships be the sustenance of your life, more to finding the real me. I’ve become a much more forthright, confident being at times. Calling out Bullshit… Not always as timely as I’d have liked! Hey none the less, learning.

I always treat 10th January as my new year. I think taking over this house alone, making it mine and the kids, redecorating, new kitchen and bathroom, plans for further upgrades are all so positive. I was on the floor with my wellbeing during my marriage split and was so negative. I was in the I can’t do it camp. I have no idea when that actually changed to a point of I can do, and will do… But at some point it must have changed as here I am doing it, and not only doing it and bring trades to come and do stuff. I’ve learnt how to do stuff myself. Reflection has meant that I’ve realised that when I prioritise myself, boost my learning, invest in myself… That there is no better feeling. So here’s to continuing making me a priority, and becoming my best version of myself.

And always…. Smile!

Part 36. Dating normality

Christmas and New Year, (as uneventful as I expected given that we weren’t allowed to do anything) has found me watching Sex and the City. I never watched it first time round. Not sure why, just wasn’t something I got into. It came up as an option to watch so I thought hey why not. I am actually really shocked that dating didn’t appear to have changed massively since the late 90s. In fact much of the storyline has been relevant to me and my experiences of dating over the last few years. I was newly single at 35 after being in a relationship with my ex husband from age 18. I didn’t experience the game playing from men before this, as I didn’t really date. My ex husband was my first proper relationship and vice versa.

Getting into dating has been such an experience. I didn’t think there would be so many parallels to a series that was written late 90s onwards. However, here I am. I thought we’d evolved such a lot but I wonder if actually the same kind of trials and tribulations happen as before but we just know about them because of TV, media etc? One thing I have found is my absolute hatred for Big. I think it’s resonated with me such a lot as he shows characteristics of a couple of people I’ve come across in my dating life and it’s made me wish I’d realised sooner!

I did a bumble swipe session weekend before Christmas, then paused it after I had two dates with a guy who then inadvertently sent me a pic of another woman but then denied it was from his what’s app and then blanked me? I logged onto match to find a few messages over Christmas, two pretty much identical in the respect of saying how was Christmas… How do you answer that when you were alone and had leftover Chinese for Christmas dinner? Have chatted with one guy and not logged back on to match since swapping no’s with him and hoping that he comes to something more than just another person in my phone!? However this pandemic seems to be ruining any chance of anything developing beyond someone being in my phone.

I know the first lockdown appeared to be a real positive for so many people who met online and managed to walk and connect in a time where this was a bit of a novelty, the weather was brighter and it seemed like there was an end in sight to life going back to normal. Now it feels like normal life and connecting with a potential mate may not ever go back to before? So surely the dating game and connections need to develop beyond the parallels that were there 20+years ago? I guess time will tell. The beauty of apps and technology has meant that you can video chat much easier and without even swapping no’s. Unfortunately what it hasn’t developed is the way to replicate touch, and that’s a major thing I’m missing. I take my hat off to anyone who has not had a hug in months as I’m struggling without any if I’m honest. My kids are beyond that and if I do get a tiny hug I am thankful yet it’s not the same as finding that with a partner.

My ship most definitely has sailed with W. It’s borderline whether the friendship will completely get back on track, but I’ve accepted that the here and now means there’s not going to be an us. If I’m honest I’d have loved it to work, knowing how much I’d always fancied him, however he’s going to always be like Mr Big and just be in and out at his pace… And I don’t want or need that. I deserve much more. I’d rather still keep being single than be with the wrong person. The loneliness will always come and go whether you’re with a partner or not!

Part 35. It’ll be lovely this Christmas, without bullshit from a bloke!

Ok. So many weeks have since passed from last blog and another weekend of being let down. Another weekend of lies! I didn’t manage to call W out much more than I’d already done as he chose to barely speak to me after that weekend of him not keeping to his plans like he’s said. I actually wonder if he really did have his son there. And the reason I wonder this is because he’s admitted he was still ‘speaking’ to another woman. When he says speaking, I think that probably means his penis was often frequenting her bits and pieces! I noticed this when a name that kept coming up, and then appeared commenting on his insta …

Errr… Yeah!

Honestly… And then last week he was still being beyond vague but calls me Friday to say he might get the train up over the weekend (err really, I don’t think so)…..but then proceeded to ignore me and some texts I’ve sent…err get in the bin. Sadly he’s now just ruined a friendship! And given that, I don’t think I’ll be making any conscious effort to connect. In fact it’s made me find him somewhat unattractive now.

I did what I thought best a few weeks ago and had bumble in the background. Match still there but not even attempting to use it as I’ve had so little interaction it’s unreal. Matched with a guy, had two walks and dinner for him to inadvertently send me a photo of another woman with a message underneath

Oh do you… Well if you love her wry grin, you can fuck off from my what’s app 🤣😂

The thing that bothers me about this absolute knob jockey is that he proceeded to tell me it wasn’t him and that it wasn’t on his what’s app (err we know how to delete messages mate!). I’m savvy enough to know there’s no way you can cross messages into what’s app , so he’s defo sent them to me in error thinking he was replying to her…TWAT. I called him out, funny enough he hasn’t replied?! Says it all doesn’t it.

I know so many other single people have struggled throughout the pandemic with dating. However I know most have us with struggled with normal life without saying woes added into the mix. I think I’d made peace with the thought of time alone at Christmas a while back, although I was still wobbling about it. Given the news this last week and restrictions, I find myself oddly ok about being home alone… Probably better than most people as I’d already known that was the way it was. I’m lucky to have an amazing friend who through us being thick and thin have found a new found beauty in our friendship this year. I’ve spent several of my single years with her, her girls & her parents and this year I’ll be popping past for brekkie within the bubble system, mask, distance, outside, whatever is necessary! So whilst initially I fretted about my singleness, and being lonely… I’ve turned it around and said, it’ll be lovely this Christmas, with the people that mean the most to me, whether that be online, via twitter, text, what’s app….but the people who’ve seen me through the year are the ones I’ll end up with and that’s all that matters really isn’t it!

Merry Crimbo my lovelies and thanks for reading!